The story begins with me muttering something about whether Jericho remembers that Joshua knocked down the walls.
I roll out of a sweaty bed, having just woken from an unplanned hour long nap, Ofra Haza singing Yerushalyaim Shel Zahav in my ears and the sound of a shofar I can’t see demanding I remember what I was just dreaming about.
One song fades out and another replaces it and I make a point to go turn on the AC.
Revelations & Epiphanies
Midway through Sir Paul’s song I momentarily feel a funny shortness of breath and wonder if it is related to any of Sometimes You Have To Step Out.
Someone is ringing the bell inside my head, demanding my attention and I recognize the primary reason for my anger and frustration is I can see how close I am to the proverbial promised land.
I have climbed a freaking mountain while handcuffed, with my legs hobbled by chains and a yoke that people placed upon my neck.
In spite of the lack of help and the numerous obstacles and challenges I have made it so very close and yet am so damn far away.
Asked for help and was refused multiple times but haven’t stopped trying to push and pull my way through.
Got stabbed, beaten and betrayed but kept going because I set a goal and frankly every time I heard no I was motivated to prove them wrong.
So here I stand, wobbly knees in a house that is 85 degrees, waiting for the thermostat to reach a more comfortable temperature because this moment doesn’t satisfy the reasons and requirements for going to bed sweaty.
*****
Resolution.
I want resolution.
“Sometimes you have to accept you aren’t going to get resolution and move on.”
The voice of a friend who died 19 years ago rises up from the depths of memory.
“Brother, you haven’t seen, done or experienced what I have. Your forever 29 and that is one of the great tragedies of our lives and part of why I swore not to just accept what is fed to me.”
There is no answer and were there a response I might jump in fear or ask if I was crazy.
What Is Certain
The lady at the desk tells me I owe a significant chunk of change and provides an unsatisfactory reason why.
I push back and tell her payment doesn’t match the promised service and listen to her nonsensical explanation about expenses, costs and why they won’t submit a claim to my insurance.
“This doesn’t match what I was told and if I had known you didn’t intend to submit to insurance I wouldn’t have come in.”
She tries a fake smile and explains they will submit a claim and that if it comes back they will offer a credit on my account.
“You will do no such thing. Y0u will see I am paid the cash I am owed. I don’t pay for insurance because I have extra money to burn. The doctor understands there are certain business risks and expenses. I am willing to share in some but not assume all.
When you tell me that you require a 48 hour cancellation notice or you will bill me it is not sharing the risk. It doesn’t cover my time because if the doctor cancels on me you will not pay me for the time I took off of work.
You will not cover me for the time I spend waiting because the doctor runs late. You will not cover me for any coding mistakes you make when filing this. You will simply bill me and expect me to cover time and or catch those mistakes.
Don’t tell me you are trying to provide a calm and pleasant experience when you force me to wrestle with you about your unwillingness to provide a complete service.”
****
What is certain is no one has ever pushed back in this manner and she is flummoxed and flustered but so am I.
The services I received didn’t match expectations and I am told it will cost another $1,000 at minimum and maybe $1,500 to fix my mouth.
My mouth can’t be ignored, the problem that is.
The bottom line is that it needs medical attention and if they had someone who was competent and knew how to communicate I wouldn’t be irritated with them.
But irritation is par f0r the course now and those I am irritated with haven’t communicated effectively.
Sometimes it is because they simply choose not to and expect me to just accept choices and outcomes I wasn’t asked to participate in or because inertia makes it hard for them to do the right thing.
Ultimately I may come to adopt their position but it won’t be because they made me do it and it probably won’t be because they convinced me either.
Hell, I am already convinced some lie to themselves to do as they do.
No, it will happen because it is the most expeditious way to move on and get closer to where I want to be.
Much of the reason for the frustration comes from not having been selfish and having done things to help others.
That is not a bad thing, but there comes a moment when you need to turn inwards and be selfish because dreams can’t always remain fantasy or be put off forever, not if you want to live them.
Got a couple of weeks left on my own to focus on some of these things and then it is adapt and adopt a different stance.
But not one that prevents or disallows dream chasing, just one that is modified.
Someone is knocking on the door.
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