Got Bob Dylan accompanying me while I throw down some thoughts four days after my surgery and I am trying to clear my head cuz I know I am a step off.
I have a very active imagination and I know I saw my father guarding a door that I wasn’t supposed to walk through. Looked at him and asked if he really thought he could stop me from going through.
“You’re a ghost now, some kind of spirit so unless you have some sort of special powers I don’t know how you are going to keep me from going through. Besides, you know better than anyone the best way to encourage me to do something is to tell me I can’t do it.”
Dad didn’t answer so I pressed on.
“Did they give you wings? Do you hang out with Michael or Gabriel now? Can I see your halo? Can you play the hell out of a trumpet now, are you part of the heavenly host?”
I expected him to tell me he didn’t have time for my nunsense but I didn’t get that either. Waited for a moment because I wanted to ask how a guy who was retired before he died could be short on time and to ask why he didn’t say Nonsense but the opportunity never presented itself.
Realized I was awake and muttered “maybe it is the drugs” and did my special roll out of bed while trying not to injure myself to get more pain meds from the bathroom.
They Were Right
Stood the in the dark in the bathroom and muttered ‘lumos’ to the Siri on my new Ultra 3. A soft light burst from my wrist and I smiled, “you were smart to get this and your new phone before the surgery.”
Smiled again because even feeling torn up I knew I was going to make the purchases. I wanted to upgrade my Apple watch and the iPhone wasn’t charging right anymore so it was time for move to a 17 pro from my 15.
Grabbed two pills, and sucked those babies down and then hobbled back to bed to wait for the drugs to kick in so I could go back to sleep.
Read a couple of Reddit entries about the surgery and nodded my head because they were right about it being painful. I didn’t sleep at all the first night, got about 3 the next night and around the same after that.
But after the doc said I could double the dose I got a solid night of rest and am/was grateful.
I Am Not Sick
The surgery was necessary for quality of life reasons but am grateful that I am not sick. It was harder than I expected but I approached it the same way five year-old Josh approached getting potched. “I take this potch and I throw it away.”
No one likes being hurt, but I turn the anger into something I can use against the pain. Had I been sleeping better I might have waited longer to call the doc, or maybe not. Maybe maturity kicked in.
Got to sleep and dreamt about driving dad around DFW. It was just before before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer so I didn’t know that was what was really exhausting him.
Took him to Deli News for lunch and the bowl of matza bowl soup woke up him up enough he started singing Ghost Riders In the Sky in car.
Thought about it because someone read this post recently and it got me thinking. Got all sorts of ideas, memories and feelings flowing through.
Cue Johnny Cash again playing God’s Gonna Cut You Down.
Made my way through more the mist and fire to A Clever Fiction and read a few lines that made me snort again because when you realize you spent time in a coma but now you are wide awake you look the world differently.
In my head I heard myself say it in a perfect Irish accent, saw myself give them a warm smile, turn and walk down an old country road confident that if destiny chose to arrange for an intersection it would.
May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
It was one of those clever fictions because I really wanted to yell and ask them if they had lost their fucking mind.
“We have been to hell and back and always found a way. You didn’t get stupid overnight, what happened.”
But the clever fiction didn’t allow for any of that.
Now I look at those words and wonder if maybe the person I had really been speaking to was me. Maybe I had a vision of multiple futures and then an angel wiped my memory clear but not before I shared those words.
Maybe it had always been me I was speaking to or maybe it not. Maybe it was just the drugs and I have gotten confused by the events of the last few days.
It happens, the body doesn’t like being sliced and diced very much even if it is designed to help.
This much I know:
1) I have been on the hero’s journey for a year now.
2) I am not who I was nor have I yet become who I am going to be.
3) Life is one hell of a ride, and overall I am enjoying this adventure.
4) I am just getting started. People can join hands or walk alongside but they can’t stand in the way because they will get run over.
Happy New Year to all who observe. Let’s roll.
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