Are You The Master Of Your Domain?

It won’t be long before I walk the streets of the city of my birth and visit some of the people and places that helped make me who I am today.

Won’t be long before I wander into the garage at my mother’s house and stand in front of multiple tool chests and listen to the echoes.

Those tools once belonged to my father and we used them to work on projects around the house I grew up in.

Those tools belong to me now but I haven’t brought them all back to my home yet. Initially it was because there wasn’t time or space and then it was because I didn’t want to pay to ship them.

Now there is no particular reason other than I just haven’t or maybe it is because I like having that connection in the house my mother lives in because it makes it feel like the old man is still there too.

I did take some of his tools back with me, including the hammer I used to measure my strength when I was a child.

He purchased it when I was about seven to help with converting our garage into two bedrooms. It was too heavy for me to swing it properly with one hand but by the time I was about 13 that had changed.

I thought about it two days ago when I caught my middle finger between a 45 pound plate at the gym and the rack I was hanging it on.

A noise distracted me and I remembered what it felt like to miss the nail and hit a finger. It wakes you up for a moment.

I can see my a bruise under my nail and recognize it as my own handiwork.

The pain did wake me up but I didn’t curse, scream or growl. Instead I made a face and wondered how long it would take the pain to fade.

“Are you the master of your domain or will you let this control your actions” said the voice inside my head.

Time With My Father

It’s seven years since Dad walked into the cornfields and I became the patriarch of the Wilner men. I am used to it here, but it still feels a bit strange in LA.

Can’t say if it is because I haven’t spent enough time there since he died or if I would have felt the same if it was still my full time home.

When I go back I’ll go sit at his grave and fill him in on all he has missed out on. I’ll ask him to remind me of the answers to a few questions I have because I know we talked about it.

I am sure I’ll tell him about any fears and concerns I have too.

I’ll probably make a point to hit a couple of the LA cemeteries so I can visit both my maternal and paternal grandparents. Can’t say if anyone has gone to see my paternal grandma since Dad died. I used to go with my father in between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur to see his mother.

It never occurred to seven year-old Josh how young Dad was when his own mother died.

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“I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up, well, I think
Only God really knows”
The Wind– Cat Stevens

Might visit my Zayde too and ask if he wants to share words of wisdom from wherever he currently abides. Might ask him to give me his two cents on the proliferation of antisemitism and the hypocrisy of Jew haters, including those who quote Leonard Cohen’s Who By Fire.

I’d like to say they know it relates to Unataneh Tokef and that I was dealing with a smarter antisemite but I know they weren’t.

Could tell them to go watch Who Shall Live and say they could learn from a 16 year-old video but I probably won’t.

Few if any are interested in a real dialogue. Most just want to spew venom or ask us to empty our pockets for sport.

But like all the men in my branch they’ll get unabated opposition, a hearty ‘fuck off’ or something similar. They are too dumb, too arrogant in their ignorance to understand why we don’t break.

It is not solely because we don’t have the luxury to just lie down and give up nor solely because history demonstrates we always come out the other side. Nor is it because of community and solidarity among us all.

It is all of that and more. It is knowing that this too shall pass.

Came across a video that said people in their fifties are the youngest of the old people and a suggestion that we ought to get a freshman orientation. You know something that would help us better understand the weird crap we’re beginning to experience.

The unexplained aches and pains, the new wake up calls to hit the head in the middle of the night and assorted other changes.

Got me thinking again about all of the time I have been putting in at the gym and the major changes in life I have adopted. The collagen, the creatine, the adjusted diet and focus on healthier living are paying off.

I feel physically stronger than I have in a long time and I know from what I am doing inside and outside the gym that it is true.

As we approach the second half of life that makes me profoundly happy, got more to work on but that is ok. We should never stop growing.

Past Posts

If you are among those who wish to catch up on past posts click here and see what has transpired prior to this piece.