But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Burn– The Cure/Crow Soundtrack
Don’t tell me when something is beautiful
And don’t tell me how to talk to my friends
Just tell me the names of the stars in the sky
What’s your favourite song?
And tell me the names of the lovers you had
Before I came along
Visions Of Paradise– Mick Jagger
Some of you will spend way too much time trying to figure out what I am referring to with those first two quotes and I won’t help you figure it out by linking to Sarit Hadad here.
Not because I am trying to be difficult, mysterious or insouciant but because they are points of reference i turn to while I try to figure out the story I want to tell here.
This joint once was far more popular than it is and filled with a crowd of regulars I could have used to write my own version of Piano Man but those days are gone and now we are in the twilight years.
The moment where a favorite haunt no longer pulls the crowds it once did and the owners have to decide what they wish to do about it.
I am ok with it for the moment because I am still in the midst of that mind, body, spirit transformation I have written about it here and elsewhere.
Time, flowing like a river
time, beckoning me
who knows when we shall meet again
if ever
but time
keeps flowing like a river
to the sea
Goodbye my love,
maybe for forever
goodbye my love,
the tide waits for me
who knows when we shall meet again
if ever
but time
keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
to the sea, to the sea
Time– Alan Parsons
Lit a candle for my father’s 7th yahrzeit and took a seat near a window and thought about how much has changed between then and now.
Told him about my liver biopsy, multiple doctor visits and some of the upcoming stuff and asked him if he was ready to finally share the location of the Wilner family treasure.
Laughed because if he were here he would blame his father for the lack of empire. And if my grandfather were here he would blame my great grandfather which is to say my children tell me I can break the cycle.
I laugh when they say it and tell them to work hard because I might do it and I might not so they ought to cover their bases as best they can.
Thought some more about how much time has passed and how many changes have taken place. Thought about the funerals of friends I have attended and those of family.
It is part of why in the back half of my fifties I have gotten so focused on my own health. Have to pull the belt tighter on multiple items and some I don’t bother with because they look ridiculous now.
Much of my body has begun to remind me what it felt like to be in my twenties. It is a wonderful feeling that sometimes gets interrupted by a sneeze or twinge from bending over to tie my shoe.
It is weird.
Most of the time everything works just fine and then the most innocuous move causes parts of my body to rise up in rebellion.
Joy of aging, I guess but I am ok with it because not all us get that privilege.
When you stand by the gate of Hel
And when you must tear loose
Follow you I shall
Across the bridge of Gjöll
With my song
You will be free from the bonds that bind you
You are free from the bonds that bound you
Helvegen (Live)– Wardruna and Aurora
Understanding
A while back I let go of one of my cardinal rules and allowed myself to forget that people don’t act based upon logic, reason and rational thought no matter how much they may claim they do.
I let myself get caught up in trying to figure out why some things happened and figured if I had an understanding it wouldn’t bother me as much.
I tore into that situation with my full attention and spent too much time trying to pull it apart figuring that analysis would make a difference.
Took a minute for me to remember force of will couldn’t make it work, nor could wishes or raw intellect.
Wasn’t for lack of effort or chip capacity, it was narishkeit, arbitrary human narishkeit.
Beat myself up over it for a bit because I knew that if I had just done a few things differently it would have gone differently.
And then I let that bullshit go.
It was true, had I done things differently it would have gone differently. That is how life works.
It was painful but worthwhile because I remembered who I am and who I want to be and that was enough.
The people who let go of me or who I let go of might be gone forever and that is ok, not everyone is privileged to join us on all of our adventures.
Sometimes you have to go learn and do other things so you can get to where you are going. I used to hate when people said that to me because it sounded trite but I have come to believe in it.
There is wisdom there that goes beyond that which you find in fortune cookies.
***
Elsewhere I have spoken and or written about the challenges of this timeline. We’re immersed in a sea of village idiots who have escaped the hills in which they wandered in circles and somehow they have found each other.
They have formed echo chambers of idiocy in which they spew out conspiracy theories, nonsensical tales and illogical conclusions.
It is frustrating to have to deal with so many escapees of the short school bus and to know that in large numbers those who can’t tie their Velcro shoes can be dangerous.
This is why community is so very important and why it might become even more important than it currently is.
We’re going to need each other for support in multiple ways and areas. We’re going to have to stand shoulder to shoulder and figure out how to best leverage our respective strengths for the collective good.
I still believe we’ll come out the other side but it is going to take some effort and I can’t tell you what we’ll look like, just that we’ll get there.
Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, “Don’t look back, you can never look back”
I thought I knew what love was, what did I know?
Those days are gone forever, I should just let them go but
Boys Of Summer– Don Henley
For older posts click here.
Leave a Reply