I Said Goodbye & Walked Away From Everything

I cannot confirm nor deny someone having received a note saying ‘if you hurt her you won’t see me coming but you won’t forget my passage.”

I was there, I saw it all & it took me back to a man I thought had been left far behind.

But the echoes of the past sometimes reflect those of the future.

Some promises aren’t ever forgotten as they live between etched upon our soul and blood oath.

When I was asked about the words and if I had sent the letter I smiled and said I wasn’t worried about a fucking placeholder. “She wanted to have my kids and when the discussion took place we were in a place where that could have happened.

Could have made a couple of more happen, but circumstances got in the way or maybe that’s just a euphemism for fear and now we do our best not to live with regret.

This story isn’t done yet, we may say there were moments in our thirties and forties but our fifties aren’t done and we never did say goodbye.

That is yet another fragment of a piece I have worked on for years and may yet turn into a full story.

Reminds me of a fragment of another story from a different time in my life in which I was rejected.

Dear Mr. Wilner, Thank you for your interest in working with your brand.

Unfortunately we are going to have to decline your offer to work with us as your writing style does not sync with the wholesome and family friendly image we want our brand associated with. Your rampant use of curse words and sexual innuendo makes us uncomfortable.

We wish you well.

Here were my off the cuff thoughts back then:

I don’t know whether to be amused or dismayed by the sentiments that were so eloquently professed in that dull letter.

Part of me would like to respond by thanking them for fucking me gently and then ask if they prefer to spit or swallow but that might be considered a bit extreme and somewhat over the top.

But it just sounds better than thanking them for commending me on my ability to inject thoughts of lust and fornication throughout my blog posts which as we all know are peppered with colorful words and descriptions.

What could really be fun is to tell them about the mom blogger they are working with who professed elsewhere that being sodomized puts a smile on her face.

I Said Goodbye & Walked Away From Everything

Some might call that an exaggeration but it is not. When I moved to Texas the first time I didn’t know what I was getting into, it was all hopes and dreams.

It followed having been the finalist for two different jobs that didn’t pan out. I could have easily been living in Virginia or Illinois but I ended up in Dallas.

Ended up in a place I had first visited in 1993 and had been back two a few times but didn’t know much about and where I barely knew anyone.

So when I packed the car and drove here I really did say goodbye and walked away from everyone and everything I knew towards an uncertain future.

And when I drove back to LA having made a promise to come back as fast as I could I did so with a tremendous ache in my heart.

My forties aren’t a time that I look at fondly, though it does include some of the best moments of my life. It was some of the very worst, the hardest and most challenging in my life.

That isn’t hyperbole. There are moments where I am not sure how it didn’t break me and I carry those upon my face and soul.

I moved heaven and earth to make some things happen and had to walk away knowing I might not get a second shot. I did it because it was what was required and because no one gives a fucking roadmap that provides perfect vision for how to take on life.

So now I sometimes straddle worlds between the man I was and the man I am becoming. Take the ‘graph below as an example.

A Writer’s Voice

BTW as PSA to my male readers please remember that most women don’t take kindly to being told to relax nor do they enjoy being described as crazy or hysterical.  So remember when I do it it is because I am prepared for the consequences of my actions.

Yes, I wear a condom made out of steel. It cuts down on some of the pleasure but it helps me avoid becoming the next John Bobbitt.

I am a professional writer/marketer and most of the time I don’t swear at all in my professional work. That is because the people that sign my checks typically frown upon it and because my professional voice is far different from the one you read here.

This corner of cyberspace is where I just cut loose and write as I want to write, mostly unencumbered.

Some people have asked me if I adopted this style because it works for others and my response is not even close. That is not because the others are bad people but because writing with my voice is the easiest way I know how to produce content.

The Right Way To Write

Sometimes I wonder if any of my old high school English teachers would be happy or horrified to see my blog. I wonder if they would be concerned about how many rules I intentionally break and how many I have forgotten.

I can’t recite the rules of grammar for you. I operate off of feel.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care or pay attention because I do, but if my sentences sound good to me I usually let them go. There is a rhythm to my writing and when the words are flowing from pen to paper that is usually good enough for me.

Kind of funny in a way because I am not happy with good enough, I want great.

I swing from the heels and look for the home run time and time again.

Just like old Papa Hemingway I bleed at the keyboard.

I am in a different line of work than I once was though you never know what can happen if I actually bear down and write the book or books within.

In some ways the biggest difference between who I was then and who I am becoming now is wrapped up in my focus on health.

I am reading Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity by Peter Attia and Bill Gifford.

I have a low Fodmap, Gluten Free diet that I am dedicated to and tweaking as I go. Been pretty damn good, 25 pounds has dropped off of me and people aren’t just noticing the weight loss, but the muscle definition that is coming.

I am engaged in a whole mental/emotional program as well so you can say I am involved in a full reset.

As I have written multiple times I am doing the work and focused on changing myself in some pretty dramatic ways.

It is all part of growth and preparing myself for the second half of life. Genetics and luck play a bigger role in our lives than we sometimes like but there are things we can do to improve our luck and I am doing them.

In many ways I am more myself than I have ever been and in some I am just figuring out who I want to be when I grow up.

What I do know is that what I was doing wasn’t working any longer so change was necessary. I have moved about six or seven times since 2011,I am not afraid of change or taking on challenges.

Life doesn’t always give you choices about change nor does it always cooperate but we can do things to help be the captain of our ships.

I don’t know exactly what things will look like when I get through this next chapter but I know enough to be able to focus on the big stuff and am confident the little things will get taken care of.

When it is all done things will be different, it will be interesting to see if they turn out as I imagine.