Sometimes Life Is Bittersweet

Two more days until I turn 56 and begin the journey of the other side of my fifties. Thanks to that liver biopsy in February I decided to get more serious about my health and am down 25 pounds.

Check back in at the end of the year and I’ll put money down I am down another 30.

I am curling almost as much as I did in my twenties and stacked the weights on one of the tricep machines.

I am pulling serious iron on the lat pull and if I want to I can get damn close to 300 on the bench press.  I play around with focusing on that sometimes but I am less inclined because my joints are less happy about the heavy stuff.

Lots of success in the professional world and all sorts of other good stuff going on, but I am cognizant of who can’t wish me a happy birthday and some who probably won’t.

It doesn’t always bother me. There are moments where the hard edge rules the day and I am not bothered at all.

But there are moments where it cuts and so I have written a few letters I haven’t sent and may never mail, post or share.

Haven’t made any final decisions, there is a crossroads in the future and perhaps paths will intersect there or maybe they never will.

Maybe the best I can say is we were instead of we are or we will. Maybe meant to be is something and maybe life is nothing more than coincidence.

Reminds me a bit of something I wrote in 2019 when I posted Why Did Dad Die?

I got to focus on just being a son. It is my oldest role but it hasn’t been my sole focus for so long I had to think about how to do that alone.

‘Cuz you don’t go through these situations frequently, which is a good thing and that means you don’t have a ton of experience to draw upon.

Can’t do the ‘act like you have been there before’ until you actually have and then you realize you just joined a club you can never leave.

Who Are You Now?

Someone I once knew told me she needed to figure out who she was after 30 years. I understood the question and was rejected when I said we ought to have our own conversation.

I have had my own reasons for asking similar questions and taking similar steps. Been working on that in earnest and made the decision for making big changes a while back because it was time.

Got no regrets about most of it because there isn’t time to second guess everything I did or didn’t do. The choices I have made, actions I have taken or not taken have made me who I am.

I don’t like everything about myself but nor do I dislike it all. One of the beauties life is it is never too late to make changes and I am doing that.

The physical changes I have made and continue to make are big and impact how I feel. I take pride in what I have achieved and have a vision of where I am going.

When I say people can get on board or get run over they can see it is not just words. I make things happen.

Not because I am so smart, so tough or so stubborn but because experience has taught me my few regrets in life come from not taking action when I need to.

If you are among the long time readers you know I have very few regrets, but those I do are ghosts and demons that sometimes haunt me.

Sometimes they escape the cages in which I hold them and I have had to do battle.

Ask me who I am now, what I am about, what I believe in and what I stand for and I can answer you. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t more changes to come or that I don’t have a vision for the future.

Sometimes You Never Get It

There is a certain amount of shared heartache in the community now. More than a few of us have lost friends, family or assorted other acquaintances because of a belief in Zionism.

More than a few of us have had people try to goysplain Zionism and Judaism. More than a few of us have felt like we have been under attack by people we once considered to be allies.

It is tedious and at times exhausting. I hadn’t ever needed nor wanted to know what my grandparents and great grandparents experienced.

But I never worry about being able to get through it all and come out the other side. Some of it is because history shows we always do and that in every generation someone arises to challenge us.

Some of it is because I can think of conversations with all of the aforementioned ancestors and that sustains me.

Doesn’t hurt that Grandpa Wilner taught me to throw a punch with a roll of quarters or my dad showed me how to snap the elbow and give an extra gift.

“Try not to throw the first punch, but make sure you throw the last.”

****

Sometimes people ask me to explain all of this. Every time they do I take a hard look at them and wonder if they have a sincere interest or if they will try to use it against me. It wouldn’t be the first time someone has done that to me or other Jews.

I have a pretty thick skin. There aren’t many who can truly pierce it.

I can’t always explain it. It is not entirely rational.

It is like asking me to explain how someone could tell me I am the love of their life but walk away while refusing to explain why.

I am not a stupid man by any measure but it took a long time for me to accept we don’t always get simple answers. We don’t always understand the way we want to and there is a host of reasons why.

Sometimes you shrug your shoulders and move on because it is the best you can do.

Sometimes life is bittersweet but I try hard to focus on the positives. Got so much good going on right now, so much growth, so many positive changes and more to come.

Got enough life ahead of me to say there is no telling how much more joy is to be had and I am here for it.

If you want to catch up on past posts click here.