The first seder of Pesach 2025 has come and gone but the silence that accompanies it has been loud. It started like the sound of a seashell against my ear, a soft roar of waves and progressively gotten louder.
This wasn’t the first without my father nor will it be the last but there was a moment when I went to pick up the phone because I had three or four things to share and a question only he could answer.
I put the phone down and snorted, wondering how many more times I might do that in whatever time I have left.
Snorted again thinking about how ridiculous it is that I am the patriarch and have been since I was 49. It used to sound so damn old to me, 49 and then it got to be clear it was quite young.
I have been writing about this since he died, shared more than a few thoughts and have always felt clear headed about this.
Dad was here yesterday and now he is gone and I have new responsibilities that I didn’t ask for but no one ever does and I am ok with that.
He prepared for me for it but I can’t say it was intentional any more than my grandfather prepared him or my great-grandfather prepared my grandfather.
This moment and the tasks that accompany it aren’t beyond me, I am ok with this because there are no other options. I was raised to deal with whatever comes my way but I have also learned the value of it taking a village.
And unlike Dad, I am far more likely to howl in rage and run with the moon. Been burning in the fire so damn long now I don’t always recognize when I am not, but I am ok.
I am as comfortable with silence as every other Wilner man in my line. Some know when I finally cut the cord it is done and maybe that is why I sometimes fight it.
Where Will A Million Steps Take You
I thought about wrapping How I Slapped The Devil & Slept With His Wife, A Story Of Two Souls Who Once Knew Each Other, An Uncertain Certainty and Water Won’t Extinguish This Fire into this piece because I had an idea for a book or movie.
Asked myself if I thought I could do it and then thought about several more posts that I probably ought to include. Longer blog posts may not be read but books and movies need substance so taking the fiction and working it into something made sense to me.
Dad once asked me about it and I shrugged my shoulders. “Some things just happen and you go with it.”
I remember his eyes focusing upon me and waiting for him to tell me that things don’t happen unless people choose to participate.
But it didn’t come and we delved further into how stories appear inside my head and I can just run with them.
Not all of them are good or of interest to many but they always are to some and that is enough. “The trick Dad is to find something that hooks the reader into thinking your story is about them. Universal experiences are easy. If I write about junior college math professor who had a face that looked Droopy the cartoon dog and a skeletal body you may or may not get into it.
If I said he was so skinny he would be at risk of being blown over by someone passing gas and that somehow he had convinced your ex girlfriend/wife to date him there is a good chance the description will catch someone.”
Dad told me the description wouldn’t work as I used it and I needed to work on that. I smiled and told him when I needed an editor I’d call him.
****
The pedometer app I used says I have taken more than a million steps during the past six months. I usually don’t look at anything more than the daily total to see if I hit at least 9k but given Passover I got an idea.
I started wondering how may steps a day Moses and company averaged. Started wondering how far a million steps would be in miles but didn’t check the math because I got distracted.
Gordon Lightfoot was singing If You Could Read My Mind and I couldn’t remember if he died last year or the prior one.
Something about that took me back July 2018 when we checked Dad into the hospice. I started to remember about how I chronicled the experience on Facebook and the blog.
Thought about how when I announced his death I said something there about the silence being deafening and how in a writing class we had discussed whether the expression was tired.
It is 32 years or so since that discussion and I don’t remember what position I took but I can tell you about now.
It is fine. It works for me and in the highly personal arena I used it in there is no one to challenge me.
Maybe it is because I am making like Snoopy flying his Sopwith Camel to fight the Red Baron or maybe not.
Epilogue
When you’re in the middle of significant life changes you need to remember what Confucius said or maybe it is just me.
Maybe I like seeing the progress and am inspired by it. The scale says I am down 14 pounds and I am starting to see and feel the changes.
The steps, the weight lifting and change in diet are proving to an effective combination. Maybe that liver biopsy was destiny, maybe it was placed there because my spirit guides, guardian angels or whatever powers that be knew it would do the trick.
Not sure, but I do know the ritual of the seder and acknowledgement of the hostages was meaningful. I know there are some amazing things coming.
Why?
Because I know things, why else.
One last link, if you want to read other recent posts click here.
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