Spent a chunk of Mothers Day with dear friends from Boston and realized it has been 20 years since we last saw each other.
That was four years after we said goodbye to a different dear friend, a guy who was like a brother to me and someone she would have married had he not died.
We walked through the Dallas Farmers Market and I caught up with her husband, a guy I really like and who makes her very happy and smiled.
My old friend would be pleased if he knew how this worked out and if he suddenly appeared I am guessing he would be the only one who still looks 29.
Can’t say that with certainty because I am not a ghost buster or expert on paranormal events or things of that nature but it makes sense to me and that is enough.
Anyhoo as we move further into our fifties he stays 29 never crossing into another decade but I can hear him tell me “shit happens” and encourage me to take advantage of having more days to do it all again, whatever that may be.
So I went digging in the blog to see if I had written anything profound about birthdays and found the letter I wrote to the Virgo and let it go.
I have said and written a million different things and if I haven’t been heard yet I might not ever be. But the real point is decided to just write focused on this moment and not worry about anything else.
Love Me Or Don’t
Did play around with posting a collage of myself with comments about this and that but I stumbled onto pictures of me at 44 and 45 along with some baby shots and said shine it.
Forty-five was a horrible year in multiple ways and one that tested me in every way. Some of the scars I carry today are from then.
I thought about telling you how much I learned from it and how grateful I am for where things are today because there is much to say.
But I don’t feel like it.
I know what lies in the closet and have no interest in rummaging through it. Not because I fear it because I don’t. I am here and there is no bigger screw you to give than that.
Most of you don’t care about it and have no interest in that time and I don’t have any new wisdom to pull from it today.
I suspect if I did open it I would find something because perspective changes but I don’t feel the need. I am wise enough today but I might not be tomorrow so maybe I should save it.
You learn from the things and people that destroy your sense and beliefs.
Sometimes you just say love me or don’t and move on.
****
I heard someone complain that their father died at 84 and listened for a moment to his rationale about how young he was and almost said something.
Perspective is everything and given that my dad fell just short of 75 I considered telling the guy to stuff it and be grateful but held back.
I didn’t know the guy who was babbling and from one perspective I understand. We miss our fathers.
I’ll never forget when my own told me he wished he could ask my grandfather a question because he thought he would have better advice than he did.
That wasn’t something Dad did. He didn’t speak that way though thinking back I can see and hear the moments that make it clear he always felt that way.
It just caught me off guard.
Sometimes it reminds me when I had to tell my kids about something very difficult and quite painful and how they started crying.
They were so much younger than they are now.
Both commented on how I was so unemotional. I told them it bothered me terribly but that I needed to make smart decisions and that I would let myself feel badly at a time when I didn’t have so much going on.
Sometimes I wonder if that was the right answer or not but it is one of those things that you can debate thirteen different ways and never know.
That is what makes life so hard, so interesting and so exciting–sometimes you can’t say for certain because there are too many variables.
All you can do is play the hand you were dealt as best you can.
Epilogue
Sat my son down and told him that I admire how hard he is working but recommended he cut back on his hours so that he doesn’t burn himself out.
That kid is putting in a crazy amount of time at the office and the truth is he can go harder and longer than I can now. I am no slouch, I can still put in huge amounts but he is in his early twenties and I am long past.
My daughter works and goes to school and has a better school record than I ever did. She is on the verge of starting college and has a bright future.
When I look at where things are at I have to nod my head in appreciation because there are really good things going on in multiple areas,
So that is a pretty good background for the next birthday.
We’ll have to see what the day brings because you never know. I have had some birthdays that were nightmares but most weren’t and even though life can go sideways it doesn’t mean it will.
It is one hell of a ride, got about 30 minutes to see what the end of this year brings and what the next one offers.
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