“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.”― George Orwell, 1984
Just finished watching No Time To Die by myself as no one else was awake or interested in watching it on a Saturday night.
Got a snort of Macallan 12 in the glass to my right and am savoring the second drink I have had in months while I ponder the big picture and the minutiae.
Sandy Denny is singing Late November and I am shaking my head because I picked up the phone to talk to Dad about the drubbing the Bruins laid on the lads of Troy.
Checking my stats I see there have been virtually no visitors to the blogs and I had expected some for no good reason other than just because.
Think I might have strained my sartorius but am not positive. Got some pain and discomfort but nothing I haven’t been able to push through.
I am good at that, pushing through but I wonder if it’s more of a curse than a blessing because sometimes when rest is required I don’t.
And in the midst of it all I look at the last 19 years and ask myself if some of what I have pushed through, for and towards has been sensible, logical and rational.
Makes me wonder if I should lay all of my cards on the table now.
Sensible, Logical and Rational
Those three words make me laugh because I know damn well as much as I use them to make decisions I am almost always prepared to do something that doesn’t fit inside their purview.
Sometimes you have to operate outside of that particular realm because what you need requires an adjustment in your approach. Some realms defy science and logic or at least our explanations.
Sometimes destiny kisses you hard on the mouth and you realize if you do not do all in your power to determine what is or isn’t there you will not be able to rest.
David and I once debated at what point you need the intestinal fortitude to make the decision to walk away from such things.
It was harder and easier to come to conclusions at the tender age of 25 than now.
Given the chance I would be very interested to pick up that thread again because the life experience from then to now is transformative.
Except that is an impossibility. He died when we were 29 so all I have are the echoes of who we were then and ideas about what he might say now.
I don’t require an answer or an opinion from him to figure this out as I already know what I think but I am curious what his position would be now.
So many of the things we were certain of have provided us with reason to question and or adjust our thoughts.
Both of my kids have been going through a particular situation that has caused a certain amount of grief for them.
And each time we have discussed it I have told them I have a pretty solid idea about what I would do but I won’t share it because they have to figure it out.
It is not easy for me to hold back especially when I feel so capable to slaying these dragons but I intentionally have restrained myself so they can learn.
They haven’t asked me to do it and I am proud of them for that and a dozen other reasons. They’ll come out stronger and more capable because of this, but damn, it is still painful.
Got a very angry phone call earlier this week that I let go straight to voicemail because I knew what was coming.
Wasn’t afraid to pick up but I saw no upside in letting the caller scream at me knowing they wouldn’t be listening to anything I said.
Instead I crafted an email that addressed all of their concerns, pressed send and wondered if the power of words would play in my favor.
It generated a four word response, “please call me now.”
I did and confirmed this time the power of words had performed as I had intended. It was a good feeling and though I wasn’t shocked, I was pleased.
That was a pretty simple situation as there were tangible, concrete answers to the questions and concerns that had been posed.
I like those moments where you can set expectations that are easily filled but it doesn’t always work out that way.
These other situations won’t be as clean as that because there is a deeper complexity to them and frankly they aren’t tied solely into the aforementioned territory of sensible, logical and rational.
There is overlap with the outer limits and the Twilight Zone. It might sound like hyperbole, but I am going to have to pay Charon to take me across the Styx or walk away.
Given my lack of desire to wave a white flag I have already accepted that I am going to take a shot at it.
May still fail, but may not and the only way to secure peace of mind is to try so we blaze the trail and see what happens.
I tell the kids that growth comes when you operate outside of your comfort zone. Wouldn’t be much of a father if I didn’t follow my own advice now would I.