Went looking for a post I wrote a while back and across a blog I had forgotten about that sort of looks abandoned.
It is another platform that I have played around with a bit and never decided to commit to but didn’t really give up on either.
If you based my commitment upon recent updates you’d think I had decided to let the fields go fallow but that is not true nor false.
Sometimes you get distracted by life and you prioritize so things you want to focus upon don’t happen in the exact time frame you hoped they would.
Don’t know why, but something reminded me about the last place my maternal grandparents lived and how one of the workers told me he was up all night with that Silver man.
I smiled and told him I had been up all night with more than one Silverman, both male and female.
It was a ridiculous response and he didn’t understand how common the surname can be among the Jewish community.
Hell, there are Silvermen on both sides of my family but that is a different story though I will say I have enjoyed staying up all night with Silverman because we’re natural night owls.
Got all of an hour of sleep last night preparing for the doc to stick fiberoptics inside of me.
Crept out of the small room long enough to see large chunks of my Dodgers play.
Family got a good laugh watching me sprint through the house as unnatural urges required attendance.
Suffered through my usual paranoia about having a clear colon so they could do a proper job and not require me to go through the process again.
When I got to the facility and checked in they asked if I had a preference and I said to knock me out as fast as they could.
Might as well get a good nap in and the gurgle in my stomach worried me a bit so going black seemed a good way to eliminate that anxiety.
When I woke up in recovery I managed again not to give away any state secrets or reveal intelligence that would compromise myself or assets in the field.
Hollered at them almost immediately to say I was fine and then passed out soon afterwards for about 90 minutes.
When I woke up it reminded me of scuba diving and a slow assent to the surface. It took effort to make myself move from the horizontal to the vertical and for a moment I wasn’t sure if I was thinking or speaking in English.
Been a long time since that happened and I tried to figure out what I had been dreaming about. Something about having been in the plaza at the Kotel, standing near a tall brunette but no more details than that.
Flashes and fragments of that dream have hit me on and off throughout the day making me wonder if my mind will revisit later tonight so I can fill in the gaps.
Went back to the prior blog post to see if I could find hints of what led me down that path but couldn’t say for certain.
Cue Queen singing Innuendo and Donnie Mac’s Crossroads plus a dash of Johnny Cash and the intersection of awkward timing for anniversaries.
****
After the doc finished with the camera and I was cognizant of light we spoke about what he found and a secondary situation. He told me I am making progress and that made me happy.
He told me to stay with the slow and steady so that change takes and holds and I nodded.
When I commit to going after things I am pretty good about walking through fire or whatever to get to the other side.
Can’t know what it looks or feels like without going there and that’s the scariest part but I was built for scary.
Though it is not always easy because sometimes my brain processes it all day and all night and I feel like I am in constant survival mode.
Eventually it all gets sorted and I never let it shut me down, slow me maybe, but no shutting down.
Just not capable of letting go like that.
