Thought I saw a cougar while driving through Southlake one summer day, blinked twice and realized I wasn’t seeing things.
Pulled into the gas station at Costco and thought about how funny life can be.
Took a minute for me to realizing I was staring in the direction of tall brunette with long legs.
Guy next to me told me I ought to catch the view from behind and I shook my head and smiled.
“I am not kidding. It is pretty good.”
I smiled again and said I know, “from experience.”
He shook his head, asked if it was my wife.
“Could be. Life takes all sorts of funny twists and turns.”
Watched him scratch his head and try to figure it all out and laughed because he wasn’t going to…ever.
Finished pumping, and went inside to do my shopping. What a strange day, you never expect to see a cougar in the wild, not like this.
Inside the store I move with precision because I know where everything I need is located.
I have been in Texas long enough not to stare at the regional items that used to remind me I wasn’t in LA anymore.
Now that happens when I am in LA and I hit stores and don’t see certain things. Sometimes it all blurs together.
Springsteen is singing Rainmaker and I am thinking about a scene from Walk The Line, but remembering my old apartment.
There was magic in that place, more than you can imagine and you don’t have to go through a notebook to recall it.
It was where I reclaimed certain elements of myself and remembered what I am capable of because I had forgotten.
A place where you could speak about one kiss but not by Hershey and know that it was where a blood oath was made to make like an astronaut and rocket off into space.
Some would provide a different tale about it if you let them but those who know better wouldn’t accept any revisionist history.
There is connection, unity and chemistry that proves otherwise and will again.
That kind of belief comes from deep within, a place you can’t visit unless you have had certain experiences.
Why?
Because you can’t get there without faith and not of the religious sort. Faith in experience and trust in your gut that you can do it.
Hell, the boss covered that too, now didn’t he.
What Are You Doing?
Standing inside an Urgent Care in Southlake again doing my best to avoid people it is impossible to ignore the voice in my head that asks what I am doing.
I don’t answer with words, just pull up a blog post from 2004, another from 2006 and a few more from the in between.
It was all about the vagaries of life, comments about anything and everything.
Back in the days when it was cool to comment on blogs there are all sorts of remarks from…people.
Some contain promises and echoes. Look back upon my 35 year-old self and ask if he ever thought we’d share this moment in common.
“Three times in 17 years…really?”
He doesn’t answer and I don’t try to stir him up. I already know what he thinks and would say.
I can go backwards but he can’t go forward with the sort of accuracy he wishes he could.
Still I feel his anger, disappointment and frustration but they are overwhelmed by his hope.
“Dude, you have got this, but only if you want it.”
The kids tell me they don’t want to hear any stories about Yom Kippur and my youth. Don’t want to know about different shuls, different locations and different experiences.
I don’t try hard to get them to lock in and listen, just say sometimes these stories become more interesting when you get older.
Don’t tell them about waiting for Neilah when I was really little or talk about 25 years of reading Torah on Yom Kippur.
No stories about being pulled into Minyans in Meah Shearim, Encino or random spots in Ojai and Canada.
No tales about standing on a roof in Pasadena across from Victorian style houses that made me feel grateful the ladder didn’t break when I was there.
For now I am the introspection is about the present and the near future. Thoughts about what I plan to do and what I hope to do intermixed with questions about the future.
Peppered alongside these are questions about minhagim and whether fasting really helps or if it hinders.
Reached a point where I know many who won’t fast because medically it isn’t permitted and I am not convinced it hurts their kavanah.
And braided in between are those other thoughts, ideas and memories–there is magic in the moonlight if you know how to tap into it.
