Nurse called to give me some of the results of the test and I asked the obvious question, “how do I pick up my lollipop.”
Probably threw her but I was standing in a parking lot with a mask on my face preparing to make a quick presentation from 12 feet away.
Guy in a pick up drove up, looked at my shirt and told me the name on the shirt sucked and I smiled at him.
“What, you can’t do any better than smile at me?”
“I can’t fix stupid and it is not five so we can’t put away the social 12 and blame it on the alcohol.”
“How about I get out of the truck and we have a conversation.”
“Doc says I don’t have that long, so why don’t you see what happens if I bleed on you.”
“You’re fucking crazy, you know that.”
I smiled and walked between cars to another aisle. Wasn’t any need to engage further and it occurred to me I didn’t want to find out if the guy in the truck was stupid and crazy.
Life happens in minutes and moments but I am pretty sure that exchange was less than a minute and more than a moment.
Unplanned and unexpected.
Got an email from the lab after the doc’s office had closed that my test results were available.
Took a moment to review and consulted Dr. Google about a few and then sent them off for consultation.
Tomorrow I’ll talk to another doc and consider what I learn and determine if anything sounds hinky.
Don’t want to jinx anything but I think they’ll tell me I am close to middle aged and to increase exercise and eat better.
If not, well we’ll see what they say.
Anticipation is what makes me crazy, knowing gives me an idea about how to proceed.
I am not without resources and always focused on being resourceful.
And I don’t roll over or just give up when things get tough or when I don’t get answers.
There are often a dozen different ways to get the information you need provided you don’t forget that you can move the pieces on a chess board in multiple directions and angles.
So now that I can begin to exhale we’ll keep our fingers crossed my understanding isn’t a misunderstanding.
I don’t place all of my faith in doctors nor do I rely solely upon those who don’t practice medicine. There is a balance between them all and it moves and changes as you go.
Don’t think I mentioned I was accused of being a bit morbid and twisted and that I agreed this might be true.
Is it ridiculous that I said I would fight the grim reaper or that I told Dad’s cancer to step out his body and fight me?
Sure it is and I don’t care.
Some of you have this idea that I spend time wondering and worrying about whether people will take me seriously if I say or do ridiculous things.
I don’t.
If people think I am strange and or weird, well they think I am strange and weird. Not running for political office or trying to win popularity contests.
I am not good at telling people what they want to hear though some have accused me of trying to finesse others.
That is one that immediately makes me think they don’t know me well.
It reminds me of the time a former boss asked me if I knew what insubordinate meant and I offered to spell it for him.
Another suggested I lacked self awareness and I suggested they reconsider raising their voice with me.
“I know exactly what I am saying and how I am saying it. We can do this stupid dance or we can cut out the bullshit and move past it.”
We moved passed it and things got to be pretty good because it was a basic misunderstanding.
Hmm…maybe I did finesse them.
Damn.
****
I saw someone say they are terrified because of the ridiculous school situation our kids find themselves in.
I am not terrified…I am angry and exhausted by the chaos of the last few years.
Terrified isn’t a word to be used loosely and I don’t blame or judge people for using it.
Anger works better for me because I channel that energy into action and activity. We all have to figure out how to deal with things.
And given past experiences I have looked terror in the face more than once. Not pleasant, doesn’t work for me but again, we are all different.
That’s what I told a friend when they asked what I did to get through some of the more challenging moments of the past.
Because the truth is I was in hell for several chunks of time prior to the pandemic and the chaos Trump brought.
I got through it. Won’t go into more details than you have seen here but share it because one day there will be occasion to speak about it with the kids.
I’ll want to remember a few things because it will be useful for when that time comes.
I commented on a post said “Lady, I always walk the damn line” and then edited out part of it.
Wrote some brilliant shit elsewhere or at least what I thought was brilliant and then came back and tried not to overthink it all.
There are days like Gaiman said above where you can’t believe how effortless it feels to put pen upon paper.
Days where you imagine that others can hear the music you hear as you write and they are moved with you and it.
But you rarely know if that is accurate and you have to live off of your own feelings and your own heart.
Because it is all subjective.
You can give a girl your heart and be certain she’ll give you hers and discover you’re like the two people in a Far Side cartoon.
A guy lies in bed agonizing about whether a girl knows he exists and whether he ought to try calling her. In the next panel we see the girl and a thought bubble above her head where she says she thinks she likes vanilla.
The caption reads, “Same planet, different worlds.”
And that is how writing works too.
