Got a series of songs floating through my mind and can’t decide if I ought to share them ‘cuz my number one fan can’t decide whether to analyze or ignore them.
You could say my timing isn’t great or you can say it is perfect and some things happen exactly as they should but regardless what you think you know may not be reality.
Might be the ghost you cannot see or could be the ship that sailed out of sight and whose presence is being waited for because you know that a man who sails around the world will return one day.
The world is a circle and even if you zig zag and take that long and winding road you’ll come back around just like a carousel pony.
Who you are and who you were sometimes merge in a strange confluence in which you can’t quite see the present with the sort of clarity you wish for but enough to have a sense.
Don’t Ask If You Don’t Want To Know
Didn’t hear back from the doc in the previous post and decided I’ll follow up tomorrow to see if they have answers.
Part of me doesn’t want to know because if it is bad I don’t want to be treated any differently or behave any differently than I am now.
I want to live and love as hard as I ever have for as long as I can.
Another part says that is a dumb way to look at it and I need information so that I can determine the best course to take.
If nothing is wrong there is no concern and if something is there is no way to determine if it is minor, life changing or terminal without data.
Some of this is overload and nothing more than that.
Some of this is fury about having been stopped, prevented and frustrated from doing a few things.
Not going to lie, pretend or minimize some of it as it is legitimate anger and sometimes it burns white hot.
Some people are afraid to say such things out loud because they fear being judged but I don’t give a damn about that.
Why?
Because saying there are things that infuriate me doesn’t mean I am acting upon them in a way that is inappropriate or socially irresponsible.
I may not tell you or anyone about it but these few words let some steam off and that is enough for now.
If it changes I’ll adapt, pivot and adjust.
Not going to ride my motorcycle into a truck or off of a bridge out of anger. I am a seventies kid, better to make like Evel Knievel and jump over something.
Reminds me, if you asked for something I am really anxious to do it would be to get a personal trainer and work my way back to where I know I can get.
May not happen today or tomorrow but don’t think it is impossible because I have moved heaven and earth more than once.
And I suppose that is where some of the frustration comes from because every time you do that you pay a price and you give up part of your lifespan.
Told the younger Mr. Wilner I will take the bullet and or step in front of the bus for him and his sister and then proved it.
Not saying I regret it, but when you give up something precious to protect something precious you may not be given a way to ignore Charon’s fee.
Sometimes you see the scars every time you shower.
The Goal
There is more than one goal and I could spell them out but this post isn’t about that. It is not about talking about who took a piece of your heart and whether you got it back or left it somewhere.
Not about what you wish for your kids, career or man/woman or dog.
This is a bird’s eye view of life and if you want I’ll give you one or maybe two analogies.
When I go I want it to be similar to racing around third towards home plate with no regard for whether the catcher is there.
I want it to be with the football in my hands and a goal line I have to reach and get beyond because I don’t know how to do it any other way.
It has to be 150 miles an hour with no brakes and no option other than to be safe at home or lying in the end zone with the ball in my hands.
Might be like a ghost to some but not translucent and very capable of moving objects and people.
That train keeps a coming.
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