I knew I ought to avoid looking at the Facebook memories but I am hard headed and so I pulled them up and jumped into the fire.
Had to see what I wrote the day Dad died and check out some of the comments and let whatever was lying beneath the surface rise to the top.
Intentionally waited until after work to do so but that didn’t prevent the fire inside from escaping in small bursts.
Let the hard edge show once or twice and then locked it down.
Funny thing is there were two moments where I really could have used his advice and all I got was a deafening silence and my ideas about what he would have suggested.e
Thing is I there is no guarantee I would have used his suggestion but I would have listened.
Three years later I am still shocked I am the oldest Wilner man and every time I look at my own hands I see his.
Three generations of Wilner men. Three sets of hands, Dads show just a touch of age there so even if you haven’t seen the full picture you ought to know his versus mine.
The younger Mr. Wilner’s hand is far larger today than it was then but not quite as big as his father and grandfather.
That makes him happy and I understand. Having bigger hands has some benefits but drawbacks too.
I am fired up now, pissed off a little bit that I heard some guy complain about his dad being a 87 year-old pain-in-the-ass.
Some of us didn’t get a full 75 years and part of me wanted to go slap the whiner in the mouth but I didn’t.
No reason to do so. Don’t know if he really meant what he said or what kind of man his dad is and have no reason to risk my freedom for stupidity.
****
It is my daughter’s birthday and there is no doubt if Dad wouldn’t have died on her day if he had more control of events.
But he did and now my focus is split between losing him and the joy she brings.
I feel badly that she might feel like something is taken from her day because of this but I can’t do anything about it.
Can’t go back in time and change things, can only work with the world we live in and not the one we wish for.
Except that is not entirely true, there are some changes we can work for. There are some wishes we have a chance at turning into reality, but not all.
Can’t go back and save him or figure out how to keep him from dying on her birthday.
Can only accept and work with his death and the day he died upon.
I think she is pretty good with it because she knows what her grandfather’s preferences would be, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
