One week past my 52nd birthday I woke up and thought, eight years later it feels like an eternity of waiting.
That doesn’t include the wondering and the questioning that came with trying to decide if dancing in the fire was fate or optional.
Figured it ought not be mandatory, but damn if life hasn’t proven me wrong more than once and may yet do so again.
So I write letters to provide clarity for myself and questions for others with the idea that these bells I hear in my head are signs of intuition and not insanity.
The piper calls to me and demands I walk along the road to wherever it leads and answer because every time I tried to ignore it the universe punched me in the mouth.
It is almost unnatural, this response because kicking me rarely provides incentive to do as I am asked but sometimes one must be willing to take a different path.
So the road less traveled by I becomes the one upon which I tread more frequently than before.
There was a time not long ago in which I asked the universe to release me.
“If you are not going to give me what I ask for and will not provide reasons I can understand nor accept please release me. Let me drop this load I have carried and I will walk away and find new adventures.”
For a time I thought my request had been granted and then things happened that made it clear I was wrong…very wrong.
It felt like lightning struck my body and if you had said I was lifted from earth and sparks flew from my body I would have believed you.
I may be built for the storm and created to take the beating I was given but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or that I just shrugged it off.
Nor does it mean I let a single grunt slip from between my lips, some things are done in silence.
“Open my eyes. Tell me or at least show me what it is I am supposed to learn from this experience so that I might move along the path.”
The silence continued but I chuckled and said “fine, I’ll figure it out on my own as always.”
I feel the change coming, maybe even brave and daring.
****
Fraternity brother of mine sold his house in LA and moved out here. Called and said he thinks the Parr park area is close to my place.
I said it is not far and he told me to get ready to hang out with him at the new place. He had been living out here already, but was on the far side of town so between that and the pandemic I haven’t seen him in a long while.
Don’t me ask if normal is here because I don’t know what that means anymore, but something is coming and it doesn’t include living as we did during the heart of the pandemic.
Sometimes I am surprised by how much can happen in chunks of time.
Look back eight years and I have lived in five different places, worked for three different companies, used four different cell phones seen three different presidents.
Break it down differently and I have been with one of those companies for six years and lived in the same place for four.
How we phrase things changes our perceptions.
Eight years it was hard to imagine a house without children, now it is not so hard.
Eight years ago it was inconceivable to me that Dad would already be gone but then again maybe it is not.
I remember him telling me I would blink and things would be different. Remember him talking about how one day you’re a father with kids in the house you have to parent daily and then you’re not.
“In a way, Mom and I had to get to know each other again. Without you guys around things were different. Wasn’t a bad thing, but it was a big change. You’ll blink and see what I mean.”
****
A different fraternity brother posted a comment about changing diapers and I smiled. I think he is about four years younger than I am, basically a contemporary of mine, except not from that parenting standpoint.
He has a lifetime ahead of him and I am on the backside of it.
Well, not exactly, this parenting thing never ends and there are still big things ahead to help the kids with, but it is different now.
If my kids don’t know what values and qualities I think are important it is because I screwed up.
Note that doesn’t mean they’ll live as I hope or choose, but it absolutely means they have an outline of what I think is important.
And it means they are on the verge of making those choices from a distance and not from under my roof.
Time can move so damn slow and yet so damn fast.
