Could pull your hair, egg your house or do other ridiculous things that young people do when they can’t figure out how to use their words to express themselves the way they want to but why would I.
Doesn’t matter what I say or so because it won’t be acknowledged until the time is right and circumstances present themselves again.
Frustrates me sometimes but it never lasts because I know I am not crazy. Been alone for almost 8 years now and can see that is just how it played out for the better part of a decade but won’t be all of it.
Don’t ask for logic or reason to provide the foundation and structure for conclusions because you can’t use that here and I am good with it. Gave up trying to figure that shit out and just accepted some things are.
It is irritating as fuck to not be able to just walk as I sometimes would prefer to but there is a man sitting on my shoulder saying don’t do it, not when you have come this far.
Go the distance even and figure out what you need to know and then make your choices.
It is funny because some people think I am stuck in a rut except I am not, I stand where I choose to and if it means dancing in the fire a little bit longer what difference does it make.
I can do as I do and if silence is all I am given I can make into something or make my comments about how it is easier to start a fight because anger provides distance or something like that.
If you believe the prophets you have to respect that full moon and understand it brings out the crazy.
Someone or something set me on fire and I jumped on the burning train and set it at high speed down the tracks and figured I’d ride that motherfucker until it jumped the tracks, crashed or reached its destination.
Always remember someone saying “you scare people” and another rebuking them with a “he’d step in front of the bus and fight the hordes. You’re an idiot.”
Makes me laugh because some know there is no reason for fear and see between the lines and others do nothing but incite riots, poke the bear and encourage the rant.
The people they ask if I can be more specific and say what I mean and I repeat for the 982,292th time that I can be direct any time I feel a need to and that if they need details they ought to go to that private place where I spell it out.
“Will you give me that address?”
“Nope.”
“How I am supposed to read it then?”
“You’re not. That is the point.”
“Why do you put it in my face?”
“Because you ask stupid questions that you already know the answer to. If I want you to know details I will make sure you know them. Hell, I can make up a story in less than five minutes that will satisfy you but you done irked me and I done shared the riches you earned from irking me.”
The genealogy site I use provided new tech for animating pictures and I had to try it out cuz I love tech.
Used my great-grandparents, grandparents, uncle, father and myself and found it to be a creepy look on most of us.
Didn’t look right, had a Stephen King Pet Sematary kind of feel to it for almost everyone I knew.
Used it on a wedding picture of one set of great-grandparents and wasn’t bothered there because I never met them. That set of great-grandparents died in 1922 and 1953. Dad knew nothing but stories about his maternal grandfather and Bubbe died when he was 10 so it was mostly stories about her too.
Exchanged another set of emails with a cousin in Israel and did my best to answer questions about whether we might be related to the Vilna Gaon.
Talked a little bit about the Wilner men who left Lithuania and how my Zaide came to America and how one of his little brothers, Dov Aryeh settled in England.
All of my Zaide’s children are gone now and have been for a while, but Dov Aryeh still has one living son. He is 96 now, certainly not a kid but still around.
I’d very much like to get to England to meet him and ask questions about his father and if he ever met his grandfather, who would have been my great-great.
Not sure if that is in the cards, but we’ll see.
****
I am a couple of days away from my second vaccine shot and curious what this time around will be like. Heard from a few that second of Moderna was rough and heard from some that it was okay.
Whatever it is I’ll find out because I am ready to take that next step and get that much closer to life returning to whatever normal will look like.
****
I have a 15 year-old minivan whose headlights attracted the attention of the local constable who said they looked a little dull.
Replaced the bulbs a few years back so I believe they ought to be in good working condition but am not so sure about the lenses.
So tomorrow morning I’ll spend few minutes seeing if I can sand off the oxidation and restore some life to them. If it works I’ll save a couple of bucks and gain the satisfaction that comes with working with your hands.
And if not, well I’ll blame it all on the fucking full moon.
