Been thinking about a dream from October 2013 that started when I left Texas and how I let it go and then decided to reach out for it again.
Wasn’t going to but things happened that forced me to reconsider and so I took action and turned my focus towards it.
Haven’t spelled it out though some might read some explicit thoughts elsewhere and question what it all means, especially as I have updated some of it.
Won’t provide more details than what I have shared here because I am superstitious about some things. Doesn’t matter that I am convinced I am on the right path and will gain entry and slide into home.
Sometimes you don’t do more than hint at that which you know will be because you can’t dive into the pool until the gates allow entry.
But damn, some days the ache is beyond the dull pain in my arm and more of a raging fire.
So close, I can almost touch it.
Listening to that one song and singing along with Bruce again thinking about the conversation where Dad told me he was going to let the docs amputate his leg.
“They say if I do this it will buy an indefinite amount of time.”
“What does that mean, indefinite amount of time.”
I said it knowing what it meant, but I needed to be certain he had thought about it.
“What the fuck do you think it means. Indefinite is indefinite. No one knows how long it is going to be.”
It is one of the last times I heard the fire and edge in his voice. Never realized how reassuring it was to me. Dad wasn’t done and he kept fighting for just a little more.
No one knew his body wasn’t going to cooperate and so I got that call to get the hell out of Texas and go home to say goodbye.
Hindsight provides so much clarity and I know what to do differently if I could go back, but I can’t so I have to take the lessons learned then and apply them to now.
Looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw looking back at me, but smiled because the old guy is stronger in every way.
Can go harder and longer on the treadmill, do more pushups and squeeze the hell out of the hand grip than I could not long ago.
Not where I want to be, but closer and still fighting for more. Still fighting to get answers to some questions that won’t allow me to just rest.
Got vaccinated with the intention to try to avoid finding out whether Covid19 will tear me up or not. Don’t really believe it would.
Don’t believe most diseases can take me out…yet.
The day will come when I’ll lose the fight. The day will come when I can’t bring that giant effort that I can bring now.
Can’t win every fight, going to lose this one sooner or later. But I don’t have to give up and hide. Don’t have to lie back and take a beating, so I don’t.
That is part of what I learned, to answer the question of what are you willing to do.
Spoke with one of my brokers about the state of my retirement funds and the plan for the future. Couldn’t decide whether to scream with anger or cheer at what I have done.
Lost so much time and so much ground because of things that had nothing to do with me and climbed back up the ladder so damn far beyond where I had fallen to.
Got a long way to go, can’t look at retiring any time soon, at least not unless I get some really bad news and don’t expect that.
It is ok, I am not done yet and I have more than a couple of things I want to do. Someone threw down a gauntlet and I plan on doing more than throwing it back at them.
I want to show they bit off more than they can chew but not because I care what they think but because I can use it to motivate myself.
Because I can channel that into positive energy and maybe, just maybe get myself to that place I see down the road a few years sooner than currently scheduled.
Hard work never hurt anyone and I rather enjoy the challenge and it all coincides with that song I hear playing in my head.
Besides if the devil insists on sitting upon my back I ought to make him work to stay on there.
Wilner men don’t give in easily to anything or anyone and if we do it is because we choose to.
Damned if we do and damned if we don’t, might as well enjoy the ride so tell Mr. Toad to get the fuck out of the way or be crushed, I am coming through.