Spent a few minutes of my time in Facebook jail working on June, We Only Live Once and am following up with part of a conversation with a friend who asked me what I thought about starting a new relationship in our fifties.
“You might get 20 years or even more. That is a significant amount of time and I wouldn’t ignore it, especially if you are less than satisfied now. I don’t expect us to be overjoyed every day but I don’t expect for us to pass through life or grind it out most of the time either.
Better to be alone or to have a good partner than one who no longer fits as you need.”
They told me it sounded like bold talk and I asked what was bold out of demanding more for ourselves.
“You forget, I have been through hell and I mean it precisely as it sounds. I have seen life turned upside down and inside out. I have lost almost all I had and rebuilt. I don’t fear change. I have some PTSD tied to it and I would like to do things on my schedule, but I know we don’t always get those choices.
If I dropped dead tomorrow I would be very disappointed if I hadn’t pushed to make certain changes. You do as you see fit, we all have choices to make.”
“Josh, sometimes I forget how stubborn you and determined you are to do some things. You really don’t care if people like you.”
“That isn’t the point or issue. I don’t wear a coat because you are cold. I don’t spend time trying to change the world as I do adapt as best I can, but I don’t let inertia stop the hard things from happening. You asked a question about a situation and I gave you my answer. Your answer may be different.”
Read an email and was glad I wasn’t on camera because I knew my face wasn’t going to do a suitable job of hiding my reaction.
When the follow up call came I reiterated my silent gratitude for not being on camera and tried to hide the growl in my voice.
Pushed back hard and politely questioned their reading comprehension and then eased back because it was the smarter move, though infuriating.
There are moments where you have to concede ground on something because the consequences of not doing so are too high for the return.
But damn, sometimes I hate doing it because it reminds me of group projects in which the load is never distributed equally but all share the same grade.
I understand the how and why of that situation but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Almost took off on a good rant about it all but let that part go because I only have so much time for this and that and ranting time was over…for the moment.
The bells I hear inside my head are like thunder and the song that goes with them never entirely fades to utter silence.
For a long while I tried to drown it out and came up with excuses and reasons why that was the smartest choice but time passed and I gave up on that.
Submission became the smarter choice.
Submit and accept.
Go run that down and figure out what is or isn’t and than you can rest. That became the motto and so I have.
Wrote down the words in the quiet and secret places where they would seen by some and not by all.
Stood up and made sure my voice was heard and my thoughts counted because I will not slip silently into the night.
It is the only way I know I can find the peace of mind I require.
