The day on the computer started about 7 AM and ended at just before 11 PM marking it the longest day in a long, long time.
There have been longer and harder days but this one is of particular note and when I said they have unleashed the Kraken it wasn’t in playful jest.
I was done and no longer willing to hold back in a few areas.
This turn of events isn’t something that will surprise anyone who knows me well but in the great contradiction of moments it surprised me.
That is because I felt my irritation level shoot from ankle high to somewhere around the roof level and I knew it was likely to stay elevated.
Not for lack of effort to find solutions that would provide immediate relief because I worked hard to make them happen but to no avail.
And so I sat with my back against the wall and wondered how things went this way and thought about it all from start to end.
Not because I was perseverating over it but because figuring out how things got to this place provided a good exercise.
First it made sense to review so I could learn from what happened and because I wanted to determine if I had missed something.
“Would you run away now if you could?”
I nodded my head and said I would.
“There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide but I would do it if I could. I really would. I am spent and the help I am getting isn’t taking care of everything.
There are some giant holes and gaping wounds. Eventually they’ll be taken care of, but in the interim I could use some serious drugs or a 982 day vacation.”
Tomorrow might be far better. Tomorrow the tide may bring in all sorts of stuff and I may find the storm has passed and that I have smoother seas to sail.
But I am prepared to deal with otherwise and to sail through it but I sure hope I don’t have to.
I keep reminding myself that not so long ago I would have gladly exchanged places with myself today and smiled throughout it.
But I also know that the benefit of having been through a little bit is why I know I’ll get there.
It is also why I am tired because I haven’t gone through all. I am still going through it.
Empty hand, just me chasing after a dream that I can see turning into reality.
Can’t decide if the compass is broken or working just fine.
Can’t decide if I think I’ll have a companion or be companion free.
Can’t decide if I want to just let go or hold on.
Can’t decide about quite a bit but I figure answers are coming, I might even like a few of them or might not.
