I am in some kind of mood while staring at Facebook, mask on, standing outside of the inspection station that is checking my car so I can renew my registration.
Waited as long as I could but can’t wait any longer and don’t want to pay late fees so I am standing here ignoring the ache.
It is almost June but I am not dressed in black so I won’t make any Johnny and June references other than June would be damn lucky if I were here Johnny.
Don’t ask what that means or I’ll tell you about that time on the balcony in a spacious apartment from long ago or maybe I won’t because I am difficult and not easily captured.
The squeal of drills and hydraulics distract me and I look up at a car on the lift and watch the mechanic work to get at a caliper and am pleased to see he and the others are all masked.
Echoes from the past flow into the present and I hear myself say ‘I’ll change your oil’ and remember flashing a smile that let’s everyone know trouble might be coming.
I look at the younger Mr. Wilner and ask if my breathing could be any louder and he says everyone knows when I am around.
It is weird because lately I hear myself and think about how much I sound like dad and it is not something I want to share in common.
The step counter on my Iphone says I am averaging about a 1,000 more steps a day than last month and that my exercise level is higher than last year.
That has to be a positive thing but damn if it all doesn’t feel like I am not making any where near the amount of progress I want.
Drop to a push up position and I can bang out a couple of sets of 12 without too much hassle but it is still harder than I want it to be so I start thinking about whether I am going to make an arbitrary decision to do a 100 per day.
Not too long ago I did more than that on a regular basis but I can’t help but wonder if parts of me will cooperate as the mileage is starting to catch up with me.
Shrug my shoulders and figure there is no way to answer certain questions without trying so I’ll go for it. Got to push and see what happens and if it doesn’t work I’ll pivot.
Because this is another one of these areas where the ache that will come without trying will haunt me so I’ll go for it.
That elephant and I remember far too much and some of it is ever present, just under the surface.
I look at my son and oldest nephew and see echoes of myself and shake my head because they have no way of understanding the gift they have right now.
It is ok, because there is no reason for them to have the same appreciation I do because life experience is just that life experience.
My middle sister and I catch up on the phone and talk about their new dog, the little puppy that will grow to be a very large St. Bernard.
I tell her it is too bad I can’t come out because I could help train him not to pull on his leash even though I don’t know if he will.
“I have size on all of you. I’d make him work harder.”
I am only partially kidding but it is true that I am bigger than all in her house. She tells me my oldest nephew works out all the time and I smile.
It is true but you can’t teach size and I have the bigger frame. I don’t mention any of this to her because it is ridiculous and I am not in competition with my 20 year-old nephew.
But I silently acknowledge to myself it is too bad we don’t live closer because I recognize the joy he gets from working out and he would push me harder in a good way.
And truth is I am starting to see the time when I can out lift him fade so maybe there is still some competitive fire in me, but it is a positive kind.
My own son isn’t big on lifting weights because he is a runner. I sometimes try to get myself to focus on that but I find it so damn dull.
Better to get back into swimming anyway as it is better exercise and low impact.
I am not ready to slow down and die. Not ready to just fade away but I can see a time when I won’t mind sitting on a bench staring at a star filled night sky.
That is one my dreams, albeit just the outline without any of the filling.
Got my thoughts and ideas to share but only with the the select few and lucky…maybe one day.