Got Bob Dylan singing Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door on the earbuds as I walk through a neighborhood devoid of traffic and lights.
There are very few people out on the street and I don’t know if it is because midnight approaches or because they are playing it safe.
I lean towards the former but the latter wouldn’t surprise me because it is part of why I am out at this hour and not earlier.
I like being outside in the fresh air and find it helps to recharge my batteries, got to get the blood pumping a little bit.
In the midst of an experience unlike anything other I have been through I think back to conversations with dad during the LA Riots and the Northridge earthquake and I know what I have to do.
Time to tighten the belt and buckle down because it is going to take some time to find balance and figure out what the new normal is.
Might take a while to get there, but we’ll get there and I have people relying upon me. No options here, can’t lie down, can’t sleep for months, got to go forward.
Got a couple of little things that give me some physical discomfort and have been for a bit.
Haven’t gotten too excited about them because I have a physical scheduled for April 15 and figured if they still irritated me I’d ask the doc then.
Haven’t gotten too crazy about it even though I expect to hear I need to reschedule my appointment for some other time.
Had one or two moments where I wondered if having a high threshold for pain was going to bite me in the ass and said hello to fear.
Embraced it, invited it in and offered to bring it a beer.
Old Doc Google says these physical irritants have much to do with my age and not being in the kind of physical condition I might prefer.
That seems reasonable to me and not just because I like the idea. Thought about it and figure if these are just irritants I can live with them for a while and continue to work on home remedies.
Thus far that seems to be effective and the biggest concern isn’t whether I can manage them (I can) but whether they’ll impede my ability to take care of my biggest responsibilities.
Overall I feel confident they won’t and that I have other options to help manage things that I haven’t tried tapping into.
That ought to be good enough for now and if it turns out it is not I will adjust.
I am pretty good at that.
Someone asked me “Where can I hide” and I smiled and said “no where.”
They told me they didn’t like that answer and I said I didn’t like it either but it is easier than many had it.
“Name one situation that is worse.”
“Friends who had terminal illnesses and knew there was no getting better. People in concentration camps come to mind.”
“Josh, you know this can be deadly and that it is killing people.”
“Yeah, it is but not everyone and there are docs trying to treat it. There are people working their asses off to find a cure. Not everyone has that same opportunity and no, I am not being cavalier.
I read voraciously and keep myself informed, but this isn’t pancreatic cancer or some of the other nasty diseases that it could be. And I pray it doesn’t ever become that.
But for now, well I take what is and don’t worry about what isn’t. Got enough without adding to it.”
They told me they didn’t like my answer and I told them I was sorry to hear that, but there is no hiding. There is only getting through it and that is my focus.
