Someone asked about the headline from the prior post and I told them it was part of my Valentine’s Day card series and the next one would be titled I Gave Up Loving You.
They accused me of having failed to read Dale Carnegie’s book on How To Win Friends & Influence People and I said I had two copies, but could only say I had read one.
“Why don’t you give away one of your copies?”
“Because I haven’t a clue where it is.”
“That is not a useful book, now is it.”
“It might be. It is is a box and it might be the one thing keeping the box from collapsing which might cause a chain reaction of events leading to something very bad.”
“You know, that might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard you say.”
“Not as ridiculous as saying I accidentally had sex with a woman once.”
“How could that possibly happen?”
“If you trip and fall down three flights of stairs you might be very grateful to the man that helped you back to your feet. You might not have the ability to offer a cash reward and instead offer something money presumably can’t buy. Bing, bang boom and yadda, yadda, yadda.”
“Did that really happen?”
“No, we fell down the stairs together and somehow our clothes were ripped off of us and I landed on top of her. But that sounds far less interesting than the first story.”
“Joshua, I am not the kind of idiot who believes such a thing. But I might believe you accidentally had sex with a woman and that story I want to hear.”
I shook my head and said if it was a true story it would never be said aloud.
“If such a thing happened and I shared specific details the space-time continuum might be shattered by the rage of a scorned woman. Wouldn’t matter if it happened yesterday or 76 years ago, there would be repercussions.”
There are no repercussions possible for an event from 76 years ago. You are not old enough.”
“Actually I am a time traveler and I once slept with your great-great-great grandmother in the barn of her shtetl. For all I know she got knocked up and you are actually my however many greats-granddaughter, so behave. And know I didn’t intend to run away, the time machine had a short circuit and it whisked me away before I could find out more details.”
She shook her head and told me I am crazy.
“Some people love crazy even if they don’t say it out loud. I know things, oh do I know things.
****
The kid at the gym tells me he has decided to take my advice because he saw one of the other trainers and their girlfriend laughing at things I said.
I told him that I didn’t think that was a good reason. “She is a little girl, like 20 years-old or something like that. It doesn’t take any particular skill for me to make her laugh cuz she sees me the same way she sees her father. I am old to her.”
“But she isn’t laughing at you and I see how you handle some things and some people.”
I shake my head and tell him I am ridiculously intense, some people accuse me of brooding and I am regularly asked if I am ok because of how quiet I can be.
“I don’t believe you are quiet and I have seen you tell a few stories. You have always said making women laugh and keeping them interested in a story helps.”
“Both are true but I am not taking responsibility for being your Cyrano. All I can say is I have made an impression on some people and am not easily forgotten. I’ll let you decide if that is a good thing or bad.”
“Ok, tell me one thing. Why do you think you have had luck in the past?”
“Monkeys like me. It is animal magnetism.”
“Damn, you can be a real pain when you want to.”
“I can be a pain when I don’t try and don’t want to. Got to run, I am on tight schedule today.”
I get through most of the workout when the kid approaches me and asks if I really can make up a story on the spot.
“I used to be a pirate on the high seas but retired to the Great Lakes. Had a girl from the Lake Erie side tell me she was interested in being a Piratess and I asked if that meant she was willing to be me my wench.
She nodded her head and said she would be my anything so we set sail together searching for Soulmate’s Cove to fulfill our destiny.”
The kid looked at me and asked how I could come up with something so quickly and I said I didn’t know.
“It is just in me. Stories are part of my destiny and I have a long way to go before I reach the time in which the whole tale can be told.”
He nodded his head and asked me if I could tell him about Soulmate’s cove.
“Yeah, I could.”
“But will you?”
“Not today.”
