It’s all instinct now, the search for the light in the darkness.
There is ample reason to believe it doesn’t exist and there is no reason to go looking for it but then again there is a gut feeling that it shines and that it can be found.
Maybe it doesn’t shine all night or maybe it is always on but occasionally covered by clouds. I often wonder if maybe there is another element, a radio wave that broadcasts on a special wavelength that I can hear even I cannot see.
Perhaps that helps explain why I look when logic sometimes dictates I ought not to.
Most of the time I try not to spend time looking for answers to questions that aren’t based upon traditional logic or reason.
Why?
Because doing so leads to conclusions that make me shake my head because I can’t prove them true as if they are based upon math and science.
That doesn’t preclude them from being true but it does provide reason not to spend time trying to do so because there is no point in frustrating myself.
Three things happened that simultaneously confirmed my belief while pushing doubt to the forefront.
Doubt was where safety lay, prepare for the worst and you cannot be surprised if it happens. Low expectations offer false comfort to fend off false hope.
Yet a part of me never gave nor gives in to that idea because the voice inside whispers maybe while showering us with images of times when maybe was the truth.
Moments when fingers intertwined in ours when they should not have been and kept us from falling when our bodies should never have flown.
Peter Pan knew the truth of it, once you stop believing you can fly your wings shrivel and die and our greatest fear prevented us from losing our greatest hope.
And so the battle between heart and head, gut and logic rages while the two sides fling accusation and incrimination at each other.
An endless storm of images that affirm the truth and the lie of the opposing forces each scrambling to find more secure footing and the better foothold and armrest.
Time and time again instinct prevails because even though it cannot solve for X it recognize Y will reign supreme.
I see the verses of my inner bible everywhere and hear the angels sing of them in a silent heavenly chorus.
They are painted upon your body and contained within your eyes. I can drink of them from you and receive an endless pour.
Some suggest salvation is found within others and some within our selves but for me it depends.
You can be my air and help me avoid choking but were you to shut it off I would find another way to breathe.
Maybe the air would not be so sweet and maybe it would after a time become so.
Some things I cannot predict with complete alacrity and confidence but I suspect and that is enough.
My suspicions drive me and I follow them because to do otherwise would be to fail myself and some failures cannot be tolerated.
It is one thing to try and fall short and another to not try at all.
