Not a big Green Day fan but they have a few songs that catch my eye, er ears. So as I drive I sing along silently inside my head
My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
I am somewhere in a place where the shadows talk about the broken promises we keep blazing a trail where none exists.
Not to be noble or because I am on an adventure but because sometimes this is life and lying down isn’t an option.
Facebook is blowing up with notifications and it is clear to me I have touched more than one nerve in more than once place.
That is what happens when you throw rocks at a hornet’s nest or force drone, sycophants and the willfully blind to acknowledge their cult leader is force feeding them things no one wants to eat.
Some have tried to find out more about me and have gone digging for information like the redneck lawyer who got upset because of a girl.
They don’t see all of the digital crumbs they leave but I see much and say little. No need to push back unless they start throwing rocks again, easier to stay in the shadows.
Easier to remain invisible and ignored until and unless I choose differently. This age is so different than expected, not that I remember much about what I used to think.
It is a strange time of life in which I look around and realize it is really just me. Got no political home because I don’t trust either party.
Got others who are either clueless or intentionally acting in ways that build division and repeatedly doing things that have me scratching my head.
Why?
I don’t know.
Are they trying to get a reaction out of me that will be explosive and life changing or are they just out of touch.
I don’t know, but I know what it means to be aware of moments. I collect them and am hyper sensitive to them.
I know who I have shared them with and who I would share them with again as well as those that have probably their chance.
I maybe be a scoundrel at times, but I know who and what I am.
And life has taught me how to say goodbye when I need to.
Structure
There is a structure in place for the first time in years. It is a very pleasant change.
I don’t feel like I have to fabricate and build my own and so for the first time in years when I say I sometimes use unconventional methods it feels like I might really be doing that.
It gives me a sort of warm and fuzzy feeling because it also feels like I won’t have to do things where I act first and ask for forgiveness later.
Won’t have to push the needle as often or as hard because the structure covers that and it is a bit of a relief.
Because when you are used to walking through the shadow lands and cutting through the halls of the dead there are moments where you would much rather stand in the sunshine or at least walk under a full moon.
It is kind of exciting to see the outline and map that will take you from the start to the next point. Kind of exciting to think this could take you to every state you haven’t yet visited and enable you to visit the places and spaces you always wanted to.
Kind of.
There is a certain amount of excitement and a certain amount of nervous energy too because when you haven’t done some things you wonder a little bit.
It is the unknown and uncertainty that takes you back into the shadow lands, albeit a different section. You’re still alone and apart, but this is different.
Maybe it is back to eating every meal by yourself and quite a bit of quiet introspection and maybe it is not.
Can’t ask Monty Hall for what is in the box or ask Richard Dawson to let you guest host so you can kiss all the girls and pretend reality is different.
There is just a dark road and the tracks that lead into the fog.
