Tomorrow the kid who used to hate change becomes the new guy…again.
It is a little bit different than some of the past changes but still filled with a mix of those positive butterflies and the ones that make you wonder if you were too clever for your own good.
Why?
Because sometimes you know what you have got and there is a certain amount of comfort in that but doing the same old thing gets you what you have always gotten.
Sometimes that is ok because you what you been getting is pleasing or sometimes you recognize you have been taking a beating and there is no reason to continue.
Had a conversation about this with the teenage boy and reminded him we have had it before.
Talked with him about how he walked around with a fracture in his arm for two weeks before getting treated and told him one of my docs has said I have a high threshold for pain.
“When I was younger I thought that was kind of cool but now I see it as something that has impeded growth. In most situations the ability to take a beating doesn’t bestow glory upon you.
It prevents you from recognizing when it is time to move.”
Took me some time to recognize what kind of beaten I have taken and more time to be kind to myself about not picking up on it sooner.
Given some self reflection I recognized I had so much going on it was hard t0 see clearly and to realize how desperate I was in need of mixing things up.
I got there, maybe more slowly than I would like to admit, but I got there and that is the point.
So here I am trying to relax and enjoy the few hours left in the evening and the morning to come because when afternoon hits I’ll start learning what I am in for.
It is kind of funny to me to think about how many specifics I can’t answer because I generally don’t make this kind of move without feeling like I know 95 percent of what I think I need to.
In this case I am mostly cool with it, even though I feel like I am at about 75 percent. It might turn out to be more and it might turn out to be less.
But I have gotten pretty good at learning to roll with whatever comes and adapting so I’ll do it here too.
Reviewed contracts, read the fine print and laughed thinking about how there was a time when I wanted to be a lawyer.
I would have been good at it, hell I could still be good if I had the urge to drop everything and go that route.
But that is as probable as my hair growing back without an operation or taking some sort of pill which is to possible but unlikely.
****
Told my kids they are smarter than I am and that I am no slouch because I am not. Told them I was in the gifted program in elementary school and honors throughout junior high and high school.
Reminded them that I was recruited for the honors program for college too not to stroke myself but because I want them to remember a few things.
Intelligence doesn’t measure success or probability of it.
Sometimes it is better to be lucky than smart but we have limited control over both. You can work hard to make your own luck and you can work hard to educate yourself.
Education is the smarter option because you have more control over it and you can do it forever.
“Don’t let people lie to you about having to know what you want to do now or to think you have be one thing or one person forever.
You can make changes, some things get harder when you get older, but you can still change if you want to.”
****
Thought about visiting dad today but his grave is 1,500 miles from here so I looked at his picture and updated him on some plans, wishes and dreams.
Somewhere in the middle of it I swear I heard him growl “Fuck ’em” and smiled because it was appropriate.
Followed up with a couple more and heard “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts” and smiled again because while he is not the only one to say it, you don’t hear it often.
The day got a little busier and little crazier than I had hoped so I had to choose between hitting the gym and the theater.
That’s cuz my temple of iron and elliptical closes at 8 on Sunday nights.
It was hard to give it up because I am in dire need but I needed to find a way to turn off my head for a little bit and knew I could do a partial with my own equipment.
Ford V Ferrari was excellent and I appreciated it because story and acting were good and I always enjoy seeing places in LA I recognize.
Made me smile too because I knew that it and The Irishman are movies dad would have loved.
****
Sometimes I wonder how long I will be able to sprint for. I am not as fast as I used to be but if I am loose I can still move.
Can still surprise a few people on the court and run down or out run others but that time is limited. I have already seen guys who shouldn’t be able to keep up or beat me do that.
So sometimes I find an open space and let loose. It feels good and even though it sometimes reminds me how far I have fallen it also reminds me if I am careful I have a ways to go.
I suppose it is part of why I like lifting because even though I have to do things a little bit differently than I once did I know the muscle will be there for the rest of my life.
Short of major illness or injury I have a pretty good idea about what to expect. I like knowing.
It is the anxiety of the unknown to quote dad again that has me squirming a bit about tomorrow.
Nothing wrong with being the new guy again, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sort of wish that six months had already passed.
Got a few more hours t0 try and relax and then reality comes hard. I am ready.
