The changes are snowballing their way through life and as good things grow and develop I can feel the end of others starting to become more apparent.
So I cue iTunes Singer songwriter playlist searching for the magic that will span the gap between then, now and wherever it is going.
Questions are asked and I answer some but ignore others because I haven’t any reason to answer.
The fire is lit and has replaced the sparkle in my eyes.
When the inquiries come I say look up Virginia Hill and her famous response to a question she was asked while testifying in the Kefauver Investigation.
Somewhere my grandfather’s are smiling because the know the reference and remember the conversations.
What does it mean and what does it matter some ask and I say it is everything when the soul matters.
Had words with someone about now and later.
Asked if they really wanted to test their will against mine and made it clear this moment in time is not one in which I am playing.
“I won’t try to stop you from pushing forward but I will let you know my feet are planted and I am willing to cross lines, burn bridges and dance in the goddamn fire for as long as it takes.
So you ask yourself who you do want to be and know I already know the answer for myself.
There are people who can confirm I can go for decades and I am young enough to have many more to go.”
Moments like this are why I know I cannot possibly be middle age because I have way too much fire and energy still.
Maybe I don’t look like I once did, but there is enough left to engage in profound acts of stupidity and defiance along with the well thought out and planned events.
****
Got two weeks before I hop on board the train to the future and start to gain insight into what these changes mean.
There is a certain level of excitement and nerves tied into it. The fear of the unknown cuts both ways and makes me cringe and celebrate.
The three year-old who used to introduce himself and then take a preemptive strike is still there, older and wiser, but watching just in case.
He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to grow or change because when you know what you have got you can hang your hat upon some certainties.
But the older guy won’t settle or hold still because he has seen the impact of stagnation.
Better to push, pull and claw your way to somewhere with better footing and potentially more stability.
Better to try and fail than fail to try.
I know who I want to be and what I am willing to do to get there.
