My middle sister calls and I tell her I am trying to think of some good stories about her to share with her kids when I see them next month.
I can’t see her roll her eyes nor hear her response but I don’t need to because she has been doing it for 48 years and even though we haven’t lived in the same house for a thousand years some sibling knowledge is eternal.
We catch up quickly and spend a minute talking about our deceased uncle, the goldsmith and jeweler.
“Too bad you didn’t get a chance to really ask him for the good stuff huh. ;)”
Little sister snorts and says ‘yeah.’
“You could have been a good resource for him. Could have referred a bunch of middle aged women to him.”
She ignores my attempt to tease her and agrees with me. We spend a quick moment comparing notes about a few things and share a couple of memories.
As we hang up the phone something clicks and I hear echoes of the present.
Nothing Changes/Everything Is Different
It occurs to me the primary source of recent stress isn’t fear/concern about the consequences of some things, it is the anticipation.
I hate the not knowing for certain and the sense that some things are going to come down upon me. When I take a deep breath and pick it apart I can see so much so very clearly.
Why do I sometimes get uneasy in the dark?
It is the sense there is a monster or person waiting to jump out at me. I don’t fear it/them but I dislike the anticipation of what might or might not happen.
Went through a phase when I was younger where I would introduce myself to other kids and then hit them.
Why?
I suppose I believed in striking first, but who knows for certain. Probably not my parents’ favorite memory of me, but that is life.
Looking back on personal history it is easy to say that in some ways nothing change and yet everything is…different.
****
I lost power about three times today.
Most of it happened post work which was good because it didn’t interfere the way it could have.
But it still mucked things up.
I had intended to do quite a bit of writing but instead only got about four posts in.
Wasn’t going to write this one but felt like I needed to push this one out so that I could clear my mind and clean out the pipes.
Got a lot going on and that sense of anticipation is right there.
Echoes of the past springing forward into the present.
Got to take another deep breath and wait to see what happens, maybe nothing, maybe something.
Silence will be the tool today. Go dark, go deep and wait.
