Somewhere in the archives of things of a blog or two I may have been or am still associated with there is information about the critic who tried to derail my train by saying I am an unknown dad blogger.
Can’t remember if it was ’05, ’06 or ’07 and not sure it matters because I am not going to email them to say I am still here and ask where they are.
I thought about it briefly because of a conversation I had with one of the kids about a famous “Youtuber.”
I explained the beauty of being internet famous and how it didn’t translate into traditional fame and described how I could have played this game differently.
Could have used their pictures and names to build a deeper connection with my audience and done a number of other things that might have helped to make my online experience different.
“I could have been a contendah kids, but I didn’t want to exploit you or play the reindeer games. Your dad doesn’t do well coloring in the lines.”
My father had a thing about using ‘ain’t’ as part of our every day vocabulary–it was verboten.
Dad was a peace corps volunteer who spent 38 years working for the county and the recipient of both a BA and a Masters degrees.
He was well educated, informed and well read but also someone who made it clear that we should respect the man/woman who worked with their hands as well as the scholar, which is to say sometimes I find it funny thinking about the lecture about ‘ain’t,’
Were he here today to ask me about how things are I would look at him and say, “sometimes it ain’t easy.”
My best guess is he wouldn’t react to my choice of words or think anything of it unless I made it clear we needed to discuss it, call that the benefit of being 50.
The thing is I don’t need nor want to talk about the reasons to use or not use a particular word because it has nothing to do with why things ‘ain’t easy.’
I’d tell him it is one of those moments where I am fighting like Bruce Lee, except I am not him.
“Abba, it has been grinding me up and spitting me out lately. I can’t keep going on like this so I am going to shed the shackles and let go. Battle time is here.”
I can tell you what I think he would say and probably come pretty close to reality.
I could write it down and no one can tell me I am wrong because there is no way to prove it, which I suppose means you could argue the converse.
But if you tried I’d tell you that I am the sole Wilner man and that puts me in a special category enabling me to know things others can’t, at least for this particular thing.
There are some relationships you cannot explain nor understand unless you have been there but we’ll save that Johnny and June kind of talk for a different day.
Part of what has me feeling like I am up against it is tied into decisions and choices made recently and long ago that feel a bit like they are biting me in the ass.
Most of the time I am pretty good about not letting myself get crazy about that kind of stuff because you can’t go back in time.
Hell, the younger mister and I went over that again recently and I did my best to assure him that at the midway point of his 18th year he is far younger than he realizes.
“There is ample time to experiment a bit and try a few different things out. Don’t let people fool you into thinking otherwise.”
This I know to be true but I understand how it can make you a little crazy. Certainly there are times when I think about how I really should have made some different choices.
Could have gone left, right, left followed by a long zig zag and things would have turned out better…right.
Or maybe they would be worse, thing is there is no way to know. You have to just live and experience it to figure out what is and what isn’t…for you.
So instead of getting lost in that mishegoss I think about whether to shave or not.
It is a relatively easy decision to agonize over because if I do it and decide I don’t like how I look I can grow my beard or mustache back.
All I need to do is suffer through a few weeks and things will return to where I want them to be…I think.
****
Had a moment where I looked around and asked myself what the fuck I am doing in Texas.
Looked out the window, banged my hands on the steering wheel and suddenly realized everything I was looking at is familiar.
Thought about how I didn’t need the GPS t0 go most of the places I routinely visit and recognized I have developed some favorite places and spaces.
I might be an unknown dad blogger, but I have a few accomplishments worth remembering, even if and when it feels like I am up against it.
