“I’m the ghost you won’t see” echoes inside my head but I don’t say it where it can be heard because it is not how I think or want things to go.
I know where my head is at, what I need and what I want and the intersection of want and need doesn’t include spelling things out for those who are naturally obtuse, disconnected from their best interests or otherwise confused.
Nonetheless I take a moment to consider what advice I would provide to another in my situation and recognize I may not act as I would instruct others to do.
But the broken parts and pieces won’t be made whole again if I act otherwise or so I believe and given the past I am not prepared to go a different route because the flames are already consuming me and I have to focus on the dance in front of me and not the one that may never come.
There is no support other than whatever I create for myself so I either build my own scaffolding and or set up my own gear to climb up or rappel down knowing I am my own safety net.
Midway through my moment of self reflection my phone buzzes because Facebook wants me to wish Happy Birthday to an ex.
I look down and decide I don’t feel like it. Had my near miss and saw a photo of the man of the day and was surprised by how much he resembles a department store mannequin.
It is a thought I am unlikely to share because there is no reason nor purpose in doing so, but it doesn’t stop from me wondering if his personality matches his strange appearance.
Ralph Might Be High
The kids and I have had multiple conversations about the importance of stepping outside of our comfort zones and doing things that scare us.
We talk about what that means and what lines we ought to draw or at least follow and somewhere in the middle I wonder if Ralph might be high.
Maybe that is an extreme response to a fragment of a larger idea he shared but I am barely hanging on because of all that is going on and haven’t got the energy to cast the net wider…today.
Tomorrow might be different. Tomorrow I might find that little thing I have been searching for, the one thing that recharges my batteries and makes me feel like I can fly, but I don’t have it today.
Today sucked on me in the kind way that makes me look for bite marks on my neck or wrist. Sadly there are no succubi to blame nor siren songs to pursue for at least there would be something more concrete to blame.
Saturday is supposed to be for relaxing and unwinding, but instead it has left me feeling spent and uncertain about a few things but not in the let’s take a risk sense.
It doesn’t feel like a “Take a chance” because this change could lead to more fulfillment, more money or more of anything I want more of.
Nah, this feels like an indictment of choices and decisions and it is just close enough to home to make me wonder if maybe the reason I am irked is because there is too much truth to ignore.
Something about it has me thinking about recent doctor visits. the one with the ophthalmologist who says I have a cataract on the way and thinks he may have to give me meds for dry eyes and or glasses.
Something about it reminds me of the GI who says I should be happy that my polyps are benign and that I can go back in three years just to be certain.
And last but not least the primary care physician who provides me with a list of things I have improved upon and others that still need work.
I want to write him and tell him I had the best workout I have had in months today. Want to tell him that it is the first time in recent memory that my whole body responded as I expected and that it felt like I broke through the wall.
Maybe, just maybe the hard work has been paying off, now if only I can get it to do so in and on the rest of the areas I have been working upon.
