Some days are easy and some are hard but most are somewhere in between the two.
Had a moment today where I stopped what I was doing and walked away from everyone and everything because someone or something had set off a dumpster fire inside my head.
Took all of 30 seconds for me to recognize that telling the twenty-something that cut me off in the gym parking lot that he drives like an asshole and has as much self awareness as a comatose slug to confirm all of the tolerance had leaked out of the bottom of the Josh bucket.
Saw a picture of an old friend on Facebook that I haven’t had contact with in a long time and spoke to it.
“I know you know that dad died, maybe you just don’t care. Maybe you haven’t the common sense or decency to say you’re sorry. Oh, and fuck you very much. I don’t have time to carry everything if you don’t care.”
Walked to the bathroom and told the reflection that if he said one word that wasn’t an exact duplicate of what I said I would pull down the mirror and every wall around it.
“C’mon old man, tell me how dumb this is. Glare at me, I am acting the fool and deserve it.”
Got nothing but silence and fortunately the reflection did as I asked.
The younger mister tells me his throat hurts and I offer him a bunch of stuff but get turned down.
“Want a hug from your old man? That used to be magic.”
He waves that off and I tell him he is in good company. “Haven’t had a good hug in forever.”
“Not today dad.”
I smile at him and walk away.
What If?
The usual parade of memories float down the river and for a brief while I play Huck Finn and ride the raft down thinking about choices and decisions.
What happens if all I have is another 25 years. What happens if I have used up 75 percent of my time here. What happens if I let inertia make all the decisions and see what happens.
What happens if I turn a few things inside out and upside down. What happens if I go for it and see if hope and fantasy move from dream to reality.
What if I try and it is the biggest failure and fiasco ever seen.
What if it is not. What if it is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced
What if I never get the answers to any of these questions.
What if I get all the answers.
What if.
*****
Sometimes I forget that as unfiltered as I am there is still the mask that I wear and still the one others wear.
We rarely speak our minds with the sort of unfettered honesty we claim to for a million different reasons boiled down to fear of not being accepted or fear of hurting others.
Sometimes the social construct keep society from imploding and sometimes they are what make us explode or maybe that is just me.
It Is A Five Ticket Ride
Got a feeling this next period of time is going to be interesting. Got a feeling it is going to be a five ticket ride and they ticket booth hasn’t got change and all I have is my last $100 bill.
Don’t know why I am not carrying twenties and don’t know how it is all going to work, but the storm is about to hit and there won’t be any running away or place to hide.
Going to have to climb aboard and sail through it.
Might not be graceful or anything resembling Baryshnikov, but I know how to plant my feet and keep moving forward even when the silence is deafening.
