I haven’t figured out yet if I am going to Tyler on Monday or if I’ll go later in the week. Definitely can’t do it on the 13th but the rest of the week is open assuming that war doesn’t breakout, there are no earthquakes, cyclones or hurricanes.
My best guess is that none of these things will happen but one never knows where the road will take them or how what particular elements will come together to cause your journey to be adjusted.
As I related in the fabulous post yesterday it is about 365 days since dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and about 31 years since my sister became a Type 1 Diabetic.
Don’t ask me to tell you the months or years in which my dad, mom and other sister decided to jump on that particular train because I don’t remember for certain, but I do know dad was in his early fifties.
He changed after that.
There is far more I could write that would sound familiar to many because a story about people is a story about us.
Who Tamed You
I know that look, the one between content and exasperation. It is the one you give when you want to be angry with someone and or keep your distance but they occupy a space in your heart and soul.
Sometimes it is not enough to prevent anger and irritation and sometimes it is precisely that.
You could be honest with them and yourself about how things really are and what you think will or won’t happen but doing that would take all the fun out of hearing “I told you so” or “I knew this would happen” so you don’t.
I have gone to the place where fire meets water not knowing what it is I seek or expect to find. Gone solely because I follow a path only I can see while listening to a song only I can hear.
Or at least that is what I tell myself because it is easier to say you walk alone because it is your choice than another.
I once wrote about a version of it.
One can pay Charon’s price to cross the River Styx in search of the person who sings their song but very few will risk never finding their fellow minstrel because the consequences of failure are too dire for their hearts to handle.
When the people asked if I did so with intent I said I slipped, tripped and fell.
It is true, I did.
But once I stopped rolling down the hill I didn’t attempt to climb up and out. Didn’t run or hide…I explored and investigated.
That changed everything.
I wandered into the storm and eventually found my way to the eye.
The funny thing is sometimes the eye moved and I found myself being battered by the rain and wind again but experience taught me a few tricks.
I learned if I held on I would always find shelter. Sometimes there was a hand holding mine and sometimes there wasn’t.
Occasionally I held out five fingers and said to take the hand and I could provide shelter because it is something I am good at. I know how to plant my feet and build refuge.
****
I finished watching Shtisel today and almost picked up the phone to call dad to suggest he watch it.
Almost called to tell him about a couple of things at work, to ask if wanted me to hold onto the diabetes and dialysis supplies or if I should throw them out because I don’t think you can donate that stuff.
And then I remembered I got rid of that stuff last August after I left Shiva and flew back to Texas.
People tell me that stuff will keep happening for the rest of my life.
They say the urge to call will fade as time will pass and it will become second nature to think of him as being gone, but that seems to be a long way off.
It is not that I really forget because I know, but I forget.
More Firsts Approach
I have taken to making sure I always have a pocket knife on me because dad always had one.
It wasn’t unusual before to find me walking around with one but I have become far more cognizant of whether I do or don’t have one on me.
Chances are high that I’ll buy a few more soon.
I probably would have done so anyway, but now it is more likely because looking for a new knife is something that I know he would appreciate.
Every time I hit the hardware store I think about him, given my professional life I have ample reason to walk the aisles anyway. But now I do so with him in mind and think about the 10,000 trips we made together.
Given the proximity 0f the next set of firsts without him I expect that I’ll be doing more of this as it is a simple way to spend time with him.
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Recent moments make me wonder if we will pull aside the veils and look at the world unencumbered by the things that shade and color our views.
Sometimes we claim those things must stay because they provide the clarity that would otherwise be lacking, we say they serve as the sunglasses that prevent us from being blinded by the bright and shiny.
But the more I think about it the more I am convinced that which covers our eyes doesn’t do as it should. Instead of allowing us to see the full glory and beauty of the moment it keeps us thinking that which is magical is ordinary.
Sometimes you have to unleash heart and soul because keeping it chained is a spiritual tragedy.
