If life imitated art mine would be some derivative of Luke training with Yoda and or something similar with the Lord Of The Rings.
Some wise master would be shouting at me about mastering yourself being the most important skill you can learn while I scream at them about having mostly done it.
Mostly meaning I know I have more to work on and more that could be done but won’t because of some burning issue that requires my immediate attention.
There are at least two I can think of that are a fundamental part of why things feel so crazy now. If I had to describe it I would say it feels like I am treading water with an anchor tied around my waste or climbing a mountain side with weights hanging off of me..
Everything is a step harder than it needs to be.
Were I able to truly remember the boy I used to be I am certain we would agree this is what I felt when I would say “I take this potch and I throw it away.”
Except I am old enough to identify what I am feeling and to recognize that I am dancing in the fire for different reasons, professional in nature.
Anticipation and uncertainty is are fueling the flames this time and I am chomping at the bit because until I hear how certain things are interpreted I won’t know know if my concern is ill placed or well deserved.
I won’t know what road I’ll be taking on this part of the journey and at this juncture the not knowing troubles me more than I would like it to. That is why I am back here again writing.
It takes the edge off a little bit.
Is It Personal Or Professional?
“Is this related to a personal situation that I am aware of or is it professional?”
I laugh and tell him I know why he asks about the personal.
“I am not particularly worried about that one. That is going to go however it goes. Too much has happened for me to view it as I would other things.
There is a depth there that precludes it from following straight lines and ordinary paths. It will go as it chooses to go and we’ll see where those twists and turns lead us.
This situation is professional in nature and that is what has my attention because in many ways I have significantly more control than other areas and yet ultimately I have very little. I am far less certain about how to read things and that makes me uncomfortable.
If they get out of my way and give me space I am confident things will go the right way, but who can say. Got lots of responsibility and PTSD from past experience which is why anticipation and uncertainty bother me so much more.”
He says he understands and I am certain he does. I appreciate having a sounding board because I know I lack some perspective here.
****
Old Willie Shakespeare’s words rhyme true in my ear and push me to consider how many roles I have played and how many I will play.
Ten years ago I had two young children and now I have two teenagers who are old enough for me to believe that ten years from now will no longer be living under my roof.
Ten years ago the idea of being an empty nester and retirement was a foreign dream that I rarely thought about. Today it feels very close and very far.
It is a contradiction that makes sense to me because I hear the tick-tock of the clock and it is tied into why the professional concerns are of such significance.
There is less time to build and or recover than there once was.
Now I spend more time trying to plot out certain aspects and components so that I’ll have things in place for whatever comes next. It is both exciting and frightening to think about, but more exciting than anything.
Truth is I have a pretty strong feeling that things will work out. Not because people say so but because I will work on making them work out. I have faith in that, but I also know faith is not enough by itself.
That’s For Me
Someone asks about the Browning quote wanting to know if it is directed at anyone in particular and I nod my head.
“Who?”
“Me.”
“You? Has anyone ever told you that you are odd?”
“I don’t care if it is odd to others. There is a very short list of people whose approval I require. That is for me because it makes sense to me and it motivates me.
You don’t need to understand.”
“I wasn’t trying to upset you. You can believe what you want.”
“You didn’t upset me but let’s not say I can believe what I want seconds after you call me odd. That makes no sense.”
****
A thousand years ago when Facebook was new there was a rush to gather as many friends as possible. It was silly but I was part of it.
After a while I started to unfriend people who I had barely spoken to over the time in between our becoming Facebook friends and whenever we had once known each other.
Sometimes it was because it turned out our beliefs were diametrically opposed and I saw no way we could or would learn from each other so I cut the tie.
Other times it was because we never engaged and when we did it was only because they wanted to tell me I was wrong about X, Y or Z. There is nothing wrong with being challenged and questioning why you believe as you do but there are limits to me.
Such as those people who only comment when they believe they need to correct me. I don’t have any interest in being corrected or challenged by people who never say anything.
Like I said I don’t want to live in an echo chamber but I don’t need flak from strangers who once knew me so off they go.
****
And now it is time to end this ridiculous piece and decide if it ought to be published or deleted. Can you hear the scream of the pixels…
