I always get a little bit antsy before I fly or so it feels and has for a while. It hasn’t and wasn’t always like this but something changed a few years back and now I get this…feeling.
Got a day or two before I soar off into the hopefully friendly skies and that feeling I mentioned before is making its home inside a corner of my skull.
It is an unwelcome guest and I am working on evicting it but there are things afoot that distract me from my purpose and keep my focus flitting from here to there and there to here.
I haven’t yet determined with military precision the culprit or culprits and perhaps that is part of the issue. If you asked me to describe it I am not sure that I could in a way that those who don’t know me well understand.
The words don’t work and I am not used to it.
So I’ll just say my heart hurts and I’ll deal with it because I am a big boy.
There are those who say we ought not to push the river because human hands alone are too weak and too frail to stop the river from running between our fingers.
I understand the truth of it but have upon occasion still tried to apply my will against the droplets knowing the collective will find a way to thwart my desires.
Sometimes I have set out with purpose to reframe my intent so that the river works with me and not me against it, but I am not always good about doing so.
This has been a year of unwanted and unsought education delivered against my wishes but delivered nonetheless.
At times I have struggled because I have been certain that if things would go a particular way the chips that fell would fall in a manner that reflected my wishes.
It is a lovely dream but a dream nonetheless and so I have found myself forced to accept limitations and though I try to reframe and or to adjust my perspective it hasn’t always been easy.
There has been no partner or other to lean upon so I planted my feet and did my best to stand in the water.
Some of you will call it hyperbole or suggest I am making silly comments but there are moments where I feel far older than my actual years.
Maybe that is part of why this resonates with me and maybe my nature to keep pushing forward will serve me as it has in the past because nothing lasts forever.
Change is all around us and always will be.
So I tell those who ask about the importance of stillness and sitting with what we feel as opposed to constantly searching for that which will mask it.
Maybe this change is growth and that which comes with are growing pains.
