Heard this song in my sleep but can’t figure out if there is any particular reason or if it is just one of the vagaries of a brain that has been overtaxed.
Could be nothing or it could be something.
Doc says he doesn’t expect to find anything when they shove 19 feet of camera where the sun don’t shine but says he can’t guarantee until it is done.
I tell him to make sure I am knocked out because if I come to in the middle he’ll find 339.3 pounds of angry man on his hands.
He laughs and tells me not to worry.
I smile and tell him dad had colonoscopies and endoscopies done at the same time.
“Cameras met in the middle and snapped pictures of each other.”
“You have a decent sense of humor Mr. Wilner.”
“Thanks for the compliment, very few call me decent.”
“What they normally do?”
“Scream something about god or use very colorful words to describe me.”
“And what do you do?”
“Wreak havoc, dance in the fire and live hard.”
“You’re something else.”
A Series Of Goodbyes
There is reason to try to avoid extreme ways of living but sometimes I wonder if those are just for others.
I rarely have to work on a weekend but today was the exception to the rule so I spent 93 hours at the Gaylord and will put in another 69 tomorrow.
Cutting through the back side of Grapevine Mills this song came on the mix and I shook my head because I didn’t want to hear it, but the stereo doesn’t respond to gestures so it kept playing.
Muttered along about lost souls living in a fish bowl and snorted knowing it hits way too close to home while pushing it all away because there is no time for this.
Doesn’t matter that the world exploded late Saturday and I received confirmation that somethings are coming regardless of what I do.
Three or was it five hours later I hear a different song and I nod my head at the truth of it.
Somewhere inside I hear the boy who used to yell “I take this potch and throw it away” and know this is about the process.
Going to take some time and those who can’t take the journey or won’t will be left behind because there are no other options.
New beginnings are what it is about even if requires a sojourn into madness and mischief. There is no guilt, only acceptance.
Don’t have to close my eyes to hear dad say “Fuck ’em.”
He is right, and both grandfathers would say the same.
Funny thing is I can hear my maternal grandfather tell me how my son knows his own mind and how it had to come from someone.
“When you two set your mind to things there is no turning back is there.”
Grandpa is seven years gone but it doesn’t stop me from responding out loud.
“You wouldn’t believe what has happened and what things look like.”
I almost jump out of my skin because I hear his voice inside my head.
“You know crazy people talk like this grandpa.”
“You’re not crazy. Have faith.”
It is not a religious comment and I don’t take it as such.
“Too bad you aren’t here, I’d play this for you. Got so much truth in it, not all unicorns and rainbows but definitely not all shadows either. Life is a series of goodbyes.”
The Rivers We Sail
There is going to come a time when people won’t take some things for granted and they’ll climb aboard and eagerly sail the same river.
If I say I feel like a fisherman they’ll not just ask why but they’ll listen to the answers.
A few days prior to now I posted a list of things my calendar ‘proves’ I did and included a bit about going to Geraci’s for pizza.
Can’t say if anyone knew I haven’t gone yet but the responses I got made it clear I need to add it to the list of places I make my way too.
Middle of the Gaylord I am stopped by three people.
“Josh, I am so glad we found you my friend. I must speak with you about things and you must help these people.”
I nod smile.
“This man, he never stops doing what he must to help you. You should ask him to help you.”
I smile, say thank you and tell him he is being too kind.
We speak for a moment and then I walk away to return to the primary task. Midway through my walk I overtake a group and hear one say he is putting Judge Kavanaugh’s face as his profile picture.
“It is a sign of support” he explains.
“Make sure you get the one where he bares his teeth at the senators.”
The guy doesn’t know it is said with sarcasm so he says it is smart and suggests I ought to do something similar if I am on Facebook.
I almost tell him I’d rather have a colonoscopy without anesthesia but refrain because it is not the time nor place to have a fight.
“Pastor says we ought to do more to show love in our hearts.”
I nod my head and am about to turn left when the guy tells me he thinks doing something like that will show the love in my heart.”
“What if I have no heart or have used up all of my love.”
That stops both of us in our tracks.
I don’t know why I stopped and I can only guess why he did.
“Brother, can you pray with me?”
“No, not now.”
He makes one last try, “take my hand.”
“Some hands have to remain untaken for a while, but I appreciate your kind thoughts.”
As I walk away I hear him say he’ll pray for me but I don’t turn around.
He means well and I don’t want to offend him. This particular moment in time and I aren’t going to cooperate very well together.
*****
I think this was the first song I heard after I found out that dad had pancreatic cancer, but I am not really sure.
It definitely was on the playlist and I associate it with walking on the treadmill after I heard.
Last night was a beast of an evening but unfortunately it never took its true form as a fire breathing dragon.
Maybe it is because it knew I had taken my sword from the mantle and put it on my side.
Got to the gym too late to put in the kind of time I really wanted but enough to know I could have put up 300 again.
Made me smile and made me angry all over again.
I look like hell but in spite of this parts of me are starting to do what they said couldn’t be done…turn back time.
Got such a long way to go and sometimes it feels like I am fighting windmills but I am too stupid not to race full speed into the walls thinking they’ll break before I do.
Sometimes I feel everything shake afterwards and I think that maybe I am making more progress than I thought.
Maybe it is all working and if I learn to be more patient I’ll see the results I have been working for.
Maybe…
Life is a series of goodbyes, probably time for a few more.
