When you storm around the house this is not the song you are supposed to be listening to because it is supposed to make you smile or be reflective,
Except I was neither smiling nor reflective in a way that would provide a smile across my face.
My mood was much closer to this, if not beyond.
Granted I tried to shake it but even those songs that normally would help fell short.
Was it because I felt the pressure of the coming day and wondered what will the doctor say or is it something else?
I vote for something else.
We Rage
The clink of metal against metal and the coming adrenaline rush eventually took a piece of the edge off and for a moment I caught myself smiling.
Ok it was more of a sneer than smile but there was almost a chuckle but whether it was frustration, exasperation or something else I am not sure.
“We rage” I muttered and then I swung iron around some more.
“Man lift heavy weight. Me strong.”
It was heavy with sarcasm but those who were close enough to hear couldn’t because they were locked inside an electronic bubble.
And those who I might share it with were nowhere close and I couldn’t bring myself to break into their electronic bubbles either.
An unexpected call got an unexpected response.
“Decades of nonsense, I am 50 and I was stupid to put up with this for as long as I have. That is my fault. I will fix it.”
“You know that you are not 50 yet. Are you sure you want to go this route?”
“Don’t mess with me about my age and don’t get in my way because the train jumped the tracks and only the crazy and foolish are going to ride it with me.”
*****
A guy at the gym asks how dad is doing.
“He is taking a long nap.”
“I love long naps, wish I could take one now.”
“You could but I don’t think you want to enjoy his kind of nap now.”
“I think you’d be surprised. I bet I can take a longer nap than he can.”
“You don’t want me to take your money.”
“Hah, you wouldn’t. I am practically narcoleptic.”
I shake my head and tell him he might want to see a doctor for that.
“Can you sleep for 20 years without having to wake for food or to shake the weasel?”
“No one can do that.”
“My dad can. It is the one thing I know for certain he can still do.”
Recognition washes across this guy’s face followed by anger.
“That’s not cool. You should have told me he died.”
One and half steps forward places me uncomfortably close to him.
My voice is a couple of notches above a whisper.
“You asked me about him in August and I told he died. It is not my fault you forgot and I am not obligated to help you not look stupid.”
He shakes his head at me and I walk away.
Later on I’ll sit in the car and silently tell dad I hope it played out like the end of the The Good, The Bad & The Ugly.
Blondie: You see, in this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.
It probably didn’t come close to that, but you miss every shot you don’t take…
What Will The Doctor Say?
A memory floats up from the depths and I remember a time from about 12 years ago where I was furious about something and called dad.
“Dad, I need to ask a question. I need your ‘A’ game now. I am practically spitting blood, tell me what you think here. I am ready for some good fatherly advice about why I shouldn’t burn it all down.”
Dad listens to my description and responds.
“Dad, is that really the best you have got? I have almost 40 years of history with you coming up with something that worked. Don’t blow this off, I need your help.”
He laughed and said it was the best he had.
“I am just a man and I can’t tell you what to do here. It doesn’t matter whether I would do XYZ or not because this is about you and what you would do. You have to live with it.”
We spoke for a few more minutes and I can’t say I wasn’t just as angry but I understood what he said and why.
Twelve years later it makes even more sense to me than it did then.
I almost can’t believe that things are as they are, but then again I can. Life is funny like that.
Maybe it is a perfect storm or maybe it is not.
Maybe it is coincidence or maybe it is not.
The one thing I know for certain is there isn’t much time to worry about about the maybe and that is a good thing.
Decisions lead to action and action leads to a cessation of anticipation or so I like to believe.
I’ll blink and this moment will be over and the next thing will be in focus.
What will the doctor say.
