The clap of thunder made both the dog and I jump. Neither one of us expected it and since it sounded like the bolt hit next door I can only imagine what it did to the dog.
Seconds later I was shocked by the words I saw on screen.
“I am glad you had their back. I didn’t like what I saw.”
Shocked because the idea that I would do or say nothing was beyond foreign to me. If you are in that inner circle I will dance in the fire, run into traffic or take the bullet for you.
Granted I prefer to do none of those things as I don’t recover quite as fast as I once did. That is a hard truth to admit because although I am not particularly clumsy or graceful I am relatively bullet proof.
Or at least I used to be, there is reason to wonder.
Mom, should you read this please don’t worry about this. I am just venting.
These changes are particularly painful in a way I don’t expect you to relate to, but I am not ready to believe I can’t figure out a way to make this go my way.
Should I Trust You?
I was tempted to get another $7 dollar margarita tonight. Tempted to drop the mask and speak freely in a way I haven’t in quite some time but held back.
Figured I could play another few hands of poker and see what happens. Sometimes there is power in silence.
Maybe it is because of the music I heard in my head or maybe it is for some other inexplicable reason, I don’t know and in this case I don’t care.
****
I am halfway through Bob Woodward’s book Fear: Trump in the White House and I am dumbfounded by how big a mistake the country made putting this delusional conman into office.
Add a double dose of disappointed at how many sheep believe everything he says and how easily they allow themselves to be manipulated.
It is not just the manipulation that disappoints me but the enabling the groveling sycophants provide by refusing to hold him accountable.
“He is not presidential but he gets things done.”
When I ask what that means they tell me they like the economy and that we are a nation of laws.
“So in other words you accept immoral and indecent behavior because you think it is good for your wallet?”
They never answer that or make excuses.
When I ask them how much they have in the market they tell me how much their portfolio has grown.
“That is today. Do you have enough to pull out the profit? Can you capitalize on this now or do you have to let it sit? It might not look the same when you are ready to take it out and you will have given up decency for no financial return.”
Sometimes they tell me I am a bad guy and that I shouldn’t be self righteous and I say I am not.
“I have many flaws and have made many mistakes. I have even rationalized why I have crossed and blurred some lines and am perfectly comfortable with that. But I am not POTUS and I am not intentionally sowing chaos and trying to divide millions for my own gain.
****
“Should I trust you?”
I don’t say the words but I think them. I have a memory like an elephant for some things and I don’t forget.
Don’t forgive very easily either but I am working on both.
The list of those I have trouble staying angry with is short and if you are on that list, well I may ask the question but I always know the answer.
It is yes.
Doesn’t mean I will automatically do so or give in, but if the world is on fire and I need help I know where to go as do they.
I had a conversation about trust with a certain teenager not long ago and listened carefully to their concerns.
It wasn’t hard to follow because their train of thought on this matches my own. I understand the logic and conclusions but I have one giant advantage.
Life experience.
I have lived.
I know what it means to have my heart ripped apart and that it can repair itself. I know if I focus my energy in particular ways I can help manage the harder parts.
Can’t make time move any faster, but as long as you can manage the other part doesn’t matter because you know there is a destination.
Have a Beer With Me
I can’t decide if my desire to have a second beer is because the doc may want me to get aggressive about some changes or if it is because I want to rinse out the bad taste in my mouth from Woodward’s book.
Or maybe it is something different, maybe it is because I walked two miles and that cold Shiner in the fridge sounds refreshing and tasty.
There is a 25 year-old at the gym who wants to know how old guys like me met girls when you didn’t swipe right or left.
I smile and tell him I can show him.
“Hey miss, can I ask you a question?”
She smiles and says ok.
“I told my friend here that the next date he goes on he needs to make sure he asks a minimum of two serious questions about his date early in the evening. He says he doesn’t want to rely on out of date tips from an old man.
Would you be bothered if a guy asked you what you do for a living and 0r if you have a dream career?”
She laughed and told me that women still like having a real conversation as long as the guys aren’t creepy about it.
I thanked her and told my 25 year-old companion he wants to find the woman Neruda describes above.
“How do I know when I have find her?”
“I’d like to say you’ll know immediately, but you might not. You might not recognize who she really is and why for a host of reasons. But you might. Keep your eyes open and don’t let fear drive you.”
He asks me a few more questions and I tell him to go check out the following songs.
“Why these?”
“Wait, go listen to these songs as well. There is a story and a lesson.”
“Dude, are you going to give me 25 oldies to bore me with?”
“Yeah, I am. If you want 49 years of insight that is what you get. You should trust me here. It will serve you well. Lose the stupid lines and talk. If you can make her laugh and she thinks you know how to listen you’ll be ok.
It is not complicated.”
If only the rest of life seemed as simple to me. It is going to take some doing to pull our collective asses out of the mess we are in now.
