Someone sucked me into a fight I didn’t want to be a part of.
It was an online kerfuffle and I would have avoided this particular one but I made a promise and I felt my old man staring at me and I went charging in.
Flew hoping I was as cool as Bruce Lee kicking ass but mostly hoping I had pulled the attention onto me because of the promise.
Because I can handle 1 or a 1000 people coming at me online and I didn’t want the attention to be focused where it had been.
Maybe that is stupid, foolish and ridiculous and maybe it is something else.
What I know is there are people who have seen me go after the lollipop land crowd and use my ridiculous lines like “your job is to blow” and you are not YLC knowing that some of those insults will go right over the heads of those they are focused upon.
Hell, they’ll probably go over many and it won’t matter if I grab their head with one or two hands and try to explain.
Grief Is Like The Sea
I am receiving an education on grief again and my personal instructor has taught me it is like the sea.
There are periods of calm where I look upon the water and enjoy the beauty before me. Blue skies, soft rolling waves and dolphins playfully swimming along side.
And then come the storms, some unannounced and some visible for miles before they hit.
I do as I have been trained and sail straight into the teeth confident that we may be battered but the ship won’t capsize nor sink from holes ripped in the hull.
Thus far the rocks and reefs have been kind to us and we figure that we’ll continue to see such things knowing you never can tell for certain.
The calls and emails from people checking in have already begun to recede as people resume focus upon their own lives and that is ok.
It is what is going to happen and what has to happen.
Some have told me I ought to reconsider that and be more willing to ask for help but I don’t know how to do this any other way than I am.
If I think of you as someone I could be marooned on an island or locked in a closet with there is a good chance I might say a little bit more and if not, well…
****
I wrote about 2000 words on a private blog and then the computer crashed. I haven’t checked to see if my work was saved or if it is forever lost.
If it is lost I can recreate if I so choose and even if it is not, I can edit.
What is strange to me is knowing there are no more conversations with dad, at least not in the back and forth sense of it.
And though I know what he would say in many situations there are some where I can’t say for certain and know it is possible he could fool me.
Not being able to talk to him again bothers me.
That shouldn’t surprise anyone, it certainly doesn’t surprise me but I put it down on paper because it sort of, kind of helps even though it doesn’t really.
Now it is just part of my new reality and I guess that all I can do is keep moving forward and get used to it.
If I said it is unfair dad would say life is tough all over and we would agree that in this particular thing there is a contradiction to his words.
There is an ending for all of us and life doesn’t care whether you are rich or poor, black or white, Jew or Gentile.
We are all going to check out one day.
I am doing my best to make the most of whatever time I have left, cuz it is all we can do.
