I had a dream in which that which was lost was found again and all that was broken was repaired.
The boys played this in the background and I wandered around wondering if such things were real or just fantasy.
Upon awakening I lay in bed with my eyes closed and listened for remarks about bad timing or comments from the great beyond from Pasqualina, Zeruel or that Judy who thought she knew so much.
All I heard was the sound of silence and for that I was grateful because I needed a few moments to let it all sink in.
Of Mediums & Messages
If you have been a part of the journey you know there have been moments where I have approached the castle walls and looked up to see who might be looking down from the ramparts upon me.
Sometimes we have exchanged eye contact and I have felt confident for reasons that defy explanation but those moments have been juxtaposed with long bouts of silence.
Long moments where I looked up and saw nothing but walls and endless sky.
When that happened I would shrug my shoulders and go about my business for there was always a long list of things that had to be done and stuff that I wanted to try to do.
I never knew how long I would be at sea for or what things would look like upon my return but I always expected that one day I would find an answer or answers.
****
Some of the fellas suggest that I ought to look at Medium as part of this journey and that publishing there could serve as a great tool and resource.
They say it would be a way to get the word out about my writing to more than a few handfuls of people here and there.
I haven’t ever shared how long I have been sort of messing around with it or that I haven’t figured out yet whether it should be part of my marketing tool kit or if it is one step too far.
Does it serve as an extension or an over extension of what I am trying to do?
I am undecided on it.
That is not an indictment of its utility but recognition of my not having spent as much time with it as I could or maybe should.
I don’t want to be a digital share cropper and that place feels a little bit like it might be that kind of thing.
But it might not be too.
****
As we wander around from place to place I find ample opportunity to think about what my goals are and to ask if I am accomplishing them.
The answers are yes and no.
I feel like I am straddling and being straddled by…people/things.
Some of what I am focused upon doing is happening as I want and wish.
A combination of hard work and a smidgen of luck is paying off and I am grateful but it is not happening everywhere I want it to and so I ask if I am using the right formulas or if the math is wrong.
Why Do People Say No
The boys are playing again and I am thinking/working while I listen.
I ask myself if the fine folks that fly through here are getting the experience I want them to have and wonder if they know how to find their way around.
Do they know how to read the past posts they haven’t read? Should I encourage them to read what they have missed or just press on and publish new stuff?
Is there a better and friendlier layout/theme than this one?
****
We spent most of the weekend out on the soccer fields watching my daughter play in a tournament.
Her team didn’t enter but another did and she was asked if she would help them out.
My baby girl played every minute of four games and was recruited to play on two different teams. I heard lots of parents call our her name and it was hard not to kvell because she deserved the accolades.
The kid has straight A’s and is flying towards high school at warp speed with big dreams.
I listened to the people who said they would like her to come play on their team and tried to ask good questions.
She is thinking about trying out for her high school team next year and I want that for her because she wants it.
I don’t know if she will make the team this year or not.
I told her to stay humble and work hard.
If she really wants this and puts the work in I know she has the talent. She can make this happen.
So I sit here and silently consider options.
Do I let her take the lead on the approach or try to guide things knowing experience provides me with some big picture focus she hasn’t got yet.
Should we sign up for rec or club?
What will help her develop and provide her with the most opportunity?
She yelled at me when I tried to speak with her about it all. I understand why she did and am not angry.
I hope she recognized how proud I am of her and how excited I am for her.
I don’t want to push too hard one way or another but I don’t want to be totally hands off either. It is her life, but she is still young enough to need some help figuring it all out.
****
“I told you no for a reason.”
I keep a blank expression and say nothing.
“I can’t do it.”
I stay silent and wait to see if they have completed their thought.
“What do want me to do?”
I smile and say I don’t want them to anything beyond answer a question.
“Why are you saying no?”
That surprises them and for a moment they struggle to come up with an answer. Eventually they spit out their reply and I ask if I can show them something.
“Sure.”
Thirty minutes later they ask me if I knew how things would go.
“I know things and I know that people often say no because it is an easy answer and not because they have thought about it. I knew I had a solution and that it would make your life easier. You could have said no, but I figured if I was calm and not adversarial that would be enough.”
They smile and thank me.
As I walk away I remind myself that this wasn’t as easy as the story makes it sound. Took a lot of time and effort to get to this place, but it was worth it.
Hard Work and Patience
Every time I look in the mirror at the gym I see a beat up old truck that shows glimmers of what it could be with some hard work and patience.
The hard work doesn’t bother me but the patience isn’t what or where it should be.
That is because it feels like every time I start to make real progress I feel funny things happening that make me wonder if all is right.
The pain in my left arm isn’t enough to stop me from working out but it is enough for me to wonder if it tendinitis has come to visit.
I move a different way and feel a different pull and wonder what the hell that is.
It all comes after ample stretching and I find myself scowling at the reflection in the mirror.
The guy in the mirror doesn’t flinch and I know he’s ready to go to war with me. The thing is I don’t know if it is as comrade or foe.
This aging thing isn’t always fun, but there has to be a way to get around some of this. Has to be some formula or combination that will work.
****
Lying bed, eyes closed, I slowly stretch and feel strength I haven’t felt in a while.
But there are some mystery aches alongside of it and though I am not thrilled with those mystery aches, I suppose I’ll take them for the moment.
Maybe we’ll find a way to ditch them or maybe not.
