5,969 Reasons Why You Love/Hate…Me

“Dude, I can’t decide if you have no rhythm or the rest of us don’t. What are you listening to?”

“Your grandparents might have conceived your mom while they were listening to this.”

I flash a grin that makes people grab their wallets and look for kick-me signs on their back.

“You’re a sick man.”

“You mean very sick. Don’t poke the bear unless you are willing to deal with the consequences.”

An over exaggerated, sigh, head shake and eye roll accentuate my words and offer proof I am a parent of teens.

This kid doesn’t know me well enough to recognize I am done with the conversation.

This isn’t play time.

I didn’t engage.

I am trying to shrug off a long week and processing news–I need to lift, sweat and enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with it.

“It is a bad time to banter. I’m incapable of being nice any longer.”

Don’t tell my kids I said that because if I heard it from them I would say we all have a choice. I suppose in this case I chose not be the bear and shake this 20 something like a rag doll.

5,969 Reasons Why You Love/Hate…Me

If you live long enough you’ll be given ample proof that certain parts of history repeat themselves. You don’t have to listen to 40 something year old music to hear the truth of these word.

Should you happen to see me at the gym listening to those musical moments you might see me pretend to be Mick.

Maybe it will make you laugh or maybe you’ll see right through me and hear this, but probably not today…if ever.

Some visions are just dreams and some are something else.

Did I mention the kid from the start of this post heard this song and told me it is a grandfather tune. Maybe I made a mistake by not pretending to be a bear with him.

****

The headline for this post is somewhere between dumb and stupid but has the possibility to become genius.

How?

If it generate a million page views, a book/movie deal I will have to say I took a calculated risk. Not a Corned Beef on Texas Toast kind of risk but something far more clever.

Something similar to the posts/tweets in which I have suggested a meatball might be smarter than President Trump.

Ok, that is not much of a risk because an uncooked meatball is smarter as is a honey badger, weasel, snake, sloth, goat and partially digest squirrel.

This reminds me of the guy who came at me on Twitter because I said those red hats are ugly.  He called me a bigot and a hater.

I asked him not to make me cry any harder than I was crying that day.

He said why and I said, “your mom just left me for a Cocker-Spaniel. She thought that meant he was a Spaniard with a large…banana.”

Needless to say he didn’t take it very well and I we had a discussion about it.

Ok, I might have embellished and or exaggerated something in there but I can promise you I wasn’t the first to say I love you that time.

I Know What You Really Look Like

Many minutes ago, so many that we could almost describe it using scientific notation a girl broke up with me.

The reasons why aren’t particularly important. We were kids in college and I knew she wasn’t the so called love of my life.

“Joshua, I think we are better off as friends.”

“I don’t think that works for me.”

“Why?”

“Because I know what you look like naked. Hell, you might as well take your clothes off now because you are not fooling me. I know that you have birthmark right…”

Would you be surprised if she yelled at me and told me I was being rude.

I didn’t use a question mark because it is not a question. You are not surprised.

“One day you are going to be very unhappy because you are going to realize that you blew another chance with me by being so rude now.”

As the smile on my face grew broader the chance I blew grew slimmer because she didn’t appreciate my smile.

“One day you are going to be a miserable man who wonders why the best lover he could ever have left his life.”

“I haven’t met her yet but when I do I will tell her what you said and encourage her to leave me so I can be broken-hearted and miserable.”

“Joshua, this isn’t a joke and I hope you learn before it is too late.”

“Don’t tell me what to learn and don’t tell me who will or won’t want, need or love me.  Some people leave you and some don’t.”

Life Teaches The Slow & The Fast

I think I played this for my grandfather and talked about how we related to it.

“Grandpa, some people see this as being nothing but sad, but not me. It is what you sing when you have loved deeply and she goes away.

Maybe she dies and you know all you have is a past but not always.

Sometimes she leaves and you find yourself wondering about a ghost called the future and that is why you ask what have you become.”

Grandpa smiled and spoke softly.

It was a sign to draw closer and listen carefully.

*****

Ear buds in, music pushing me to do another set I go over the mental to-d0 list.

I am over due for an eye exam, teeth cleaning and physical and a voice inside pushes me to accept we aren’t 25 any more.

“Fuck you voice, we have made multiple concessions but this isn’t one we are going to give in on.”

I don’t need a mirror to know what sort of face I am making.

The mix of maturity and a sense of ‘what if we push just a little bit so see if we get good results’ is one I am well acquainted with.

It asks for a balance that doesn’t exist.

Flash back to my time driving for Lyft and the night a drunk guy said he didn’t want to get out of the car.

“Dude, you don’t know what it is like when someone loves you but goes away anyhow. Aren’t you supposed to fight for them.”

“You’re wrong, I know what that is like. I have a story.”

“Are you going to tell it? Did she come back?”

“It doesn’t matter what happened to me. It only matters what happens to you. You have to go now. I have places to be.”

“Dude! You’re heartless. Can’t you give a bro a break.”

“Yeah, I am heartless and no, there are no breaks tonight.”

“Dude, I know why she left you.”

“No, you don’t. I don’t know so how could you.”

It stops him in his tracks and instead of responding he opens the passenger door and gets out, a confused look on his face.

“Put a bottle of water next to your bed and get some sleep.”

Don’t ask if he responded or what he said because I stepped on the gas and flew off into the night.