Hope is a strange creature and the most illogical of beasts. I know, because hope and I have been wrapped in an undying embrace for eternity.
There was the hope that I would somehow become a Dodger or a Laker and the hope that I would win the lottery.
Hope was there when the Midwestern girl told me to come back after she said get lost. And it was there when she told me she didn’t believe I would ever let her go and I hoped to prove her wrong, but only if she really meant for me to get lost.
That fickle beast visited me in a hospital room where I did my best to ignore the beeps and buzzers of the machines and the loud noise that kept him breathing.
Maybe I’ll Make You Cry
That Midwestern girl told she cries but doesn’t like it and I said I just don’t.
“Maybe you’ll trust me enough. Maybe I’ll make you cry.”
It is funny looking back a 1,000 years at who we once were. Sometimes we signs of exactly who we are now and sometimes we wonder what the hell happened.
I suppose you can blame Major Tom for sending me on a journey through the past millennia but then again maybe not.
Maybe it is because at heart I am a writer and collector of stories and experiences.
There was a time when I gave up the writing because I didn’t believe it would lead to anything and I didn’t see myself as being good enough to figure it out.
Lightning struck and I learned how subjective great writing is.
Some people told me I at best an average hack and others said they were moved. One even told me I was born to write.
I listened to those words and wondered if they were high or serious.
Happy Or Sad Song
Hurt is one of my favorite songs. The video always impacts me but I can’t ever decide if it is a happy or sad song.
It would be easy to call it sad and say that all it is about is loss but there is a part of me that sees the silver lining in the loss.
If it doesn’t hurt to be apart or to lose a particular thing you have to ask what it really meant to you.
When you feel like you are choking because you miss someone you recognize that they were important and understand you had something special.
Not everyone gets that. Some sleepwalk through life and miss the moments.
That is a sad thing to say about someone.
*****
The chiropractor adjusted me today. No it wasn’t my attitude, it was my back and neck.
He turned me on my side, told me to not to be surprised when the table dropped and then pressed hard.
There was a loud crack and I was surprised by the groan that came from between my lips.
“I don’t know how you walked around for so long with a dozen “subluxations.”
The skeptic in me wondered if he says that to everyone but the enormous feeling of relief that washed over me made me believe that there might be something to it.
It made me hope that all the other things they say are tied into the pretzel I was would be reduced if not go away.
Five hours later I got news that suggested there might be hope in other areas too.
That fickle beast hadn’t ever left my side but I had stuffed a ball gag inside that gaping maw because I can’t take time to get too high or too low.
Got way too much to do and the stakes are way too high, but at the same time I am the guy who has successfully found a way to tear down giant walls.
Might not be built for grace, but determination, raw strength and ridiculous acts of stupidity are things I excel in.
And if I focus, sometimes there are the witty, clever and strategic moments that provide a chance to get a pat on the back and a wink.
They may be few and far between, but they exist. One can always hope they outnumber the silly and the ridiculous.
But if recent experiences have reminded me of the importance of anything it is to live now and live hard.
