It takes a moment for me to figure out what it was I just heard and though recognition comes within a short moment something about it not clicking immediately irks.
I know this song and usually would recognize it in less than the extended moment it took, but I am distracted.
A few hours earlier I listened to my middle sister ask me if I knew of the latest details regarding our dad and I realize I don’t.
Or more accurately, I am not married to a doctor so the things I hear don’t always prompt follow up questions or evoke concern.
I am pretty good at compartmentalizing things and so I stick this moment in the box because the tests may come back showing nothing or they may show something we would prefer not to hear/see.
But until I have real reason to be concerned I’ll stay busy and be optimistic because there is no need to buy trouble before it arrives.
It isn’t easy to do because there are other big things going on now so my tolerance is a bit lower than at other times.
Take The Gloves Off & Fight Dirty
Something about this moment reminds me of April 2004 and an unplanned trip to New Jersey. Might be nerves, probably is nerves that are making my antennae flex.
The part that bothers me the most is knowing there is nothing of substance that I can do.
I can be silly and talk about taking the gloves off or make comments about releasing the kraken but none of that really matters.
All I can do is is share these words and tell you I can visualize myself tearing down walls and ripping doors off of hinges.
I can tell you about the silly boy who visualizes fighting battles with a sword and or being told to hold the gate.
Those are things I can do.
Those are things I am good at.
Raw destruction of objects, people and things–yeah I am built for that kind of nonsense.
*****
After the call I make a quick run to the gym to burn off some restless energy.
Today it is not about cardio–it is just throwing as much steel around as I can.
The opening song on my workout mix sets the tempo I want and I pump out a quick set with 30 pounds more than I had been doing.
Tomorrow we’ll figure out if my body appreciates the chance to show off or if there is a mutiny to contend with.
Don’t Blame The Crockpot
I knew what was coming on the post Superbowl episode of This Is Us but it still kind of sucked.
That is a sign of good writing and acting and maybe this episode has influenced my thoughts a little bit.
Add a double dose of anticipation as being a major component too. Got some big things that are still unfolding that have my head racing too.
Stuff that makes me squirm ‘cuz I can almost see/touch/taste/feel it all but I don’t know for certain if what I think will happen will.
And the thing is, my ability to influence how it goes is limited.
People keep telling me otherwise but I don’t buy what they are selling. That is what happens when you don’t believe they have a solid understanding of the situation, let alone complete.
Because if they did they couldn’t say the things they say but it doesn’t matter because when I pointed out the inconsistencies I was told I was wrong
I wish they understood I want to be wrong because it would provide them with a premise I could buy into and then maybe I wouldn’t be waiting for the coming failure.
But sometimes that is how life goes, sometimes you can’t expect to see change without failure.
If I get knocked down, I’ll get back up just as all Wilner men do and or have done.
But than again, maybe I won’t have to worry about it. Maybe it will be a small hiccup and something that passes quickly.
It wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong nor will it be the last.
Final Words
I told my children to remember to look for the magic in the world.
They sort of rolled their eyes at me and wondered why dad is acting weird and I get it. They aren’t little any more nor are they old enough to just accept statements like that from dad.
But I hope the words stick with them and at an appropriate time they understand what I mean and why I have said it.
There is magic and it is part of what is making me a little crazy now because I feel and sense a few things.
Mostly good stuff, but some I am not sure about and the anticipation for good stuff is sort of similar to bad for me.
I get impatient and want to just deal with whatever it is so I can move on to the next chapter and that chapter is coming, I feel it.
Leave a Reply