Not many 13-year-old girls appreciate their father’s ability to sing along with almost any song that comes on the radio and they really don’t like when you sing along with Adele.
“I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me”
Should your own daughter encourage you to continue by glaring at you I highly recommend looking her in the eye and saying something like it is confusing when more than one girl says you saved her.
She might glare at you and tell you to describe her, forgetting that her own father doesn’t miss a beat because he is a storyteller by trade.
“The most recent one was tall, long legs, dark hair and dark eyes and feisty but I am feistier.”
“Dad!”
Her eyes narrowed and she said I was definitely more annoying.
I laughed and told her she must be hanging out with the big girls because they love words like ‘annoying.”
“Ok, did she break your heart or did you break hers?”
“We broke each others but it is all her fault. She has an irrational hatred for ketchup and didn’t like my being better in math, coloring by numbers, mumblety-peg and cereal pouring.”
She laughed and told me I am ridiculous and I just smiled.
Five minutes later she told me she was waiting to hear more and added, “the real stuff.”
“You got all the real stuff you need. You got me and I am as real as they get. Real crazy.”
We both laughed and then she admonished me not to Twerk, skip, sing or do anything that I would normally do in public.
Don’t tell her, but I do a better job of listening to her requests than I do most people. That is not to say I don’t do whatever the hell I want, but I try to be respectful of her wishes…more or less.
Your Dad Is Mean & Disrespectful
A long while back a lady at an ATM yelled something more colorful than that at me.
She did it because she walked up to the ATM with arms filled with groceries and asked me to move aside.
I was in the middle of my transaction so I asked to wait a moment longer and she told me her arms were getting tired.
“You’ll survive.”
If I hadn’t effectively been waiting for the machine to spit out my cash I wouldn’t have cared about being asked to move by a bag lady.
Except I was waiting for my cash and she wasn’t your typical “bag lady.”
She was a well dressed woman who parked her Mercedes 5 feet away from the ATM.
She didn’t care that the painted lines for the official parking spaces were 15 feet further and she didn’t care to leave those bags in the car.
And she really didn’t care for my comment about her surviving and launched into a tirade in which she used far more colorful terms than mean and disrespectful.
I turned and told her to take her entitled Encino lady attitude to the machine on Ventura and she told me to bite her.
Wrong thing to say, I was the kid that used to bite others. I was also the kid who said “Hi my name is Josh” and then hit them.
Ok, I didn’t bite her but there was a moment when I wondered what she would do if I latched onto her shoulder.
If I wrote Larry David and told him about it would he use it as a bit on Curb Your Enthusiasm or would it never make the cut.
27 years ago I accidentally knocked Jason Alexander into a urinal at the men’s room at the theater at the Century City mall. I said sorry and secretly prayed it would be worked into a Seinfeld bit but it never happened.
****
Some things happened earlier today that made my head explode.
It was a moment of real heartbreak and there was a short while where I wanted to howl at the moon in frustration because there was nothing I could do.
Couldn’t fix this, couldn’t bandage or massage it into something better so I took a deep breath and took out my frustration online.
I went after several groups of people.
I hit the gun nuts who claim that Sandy Hook and Vegas were fake.
I went after Nazis and then I laid into some people who are ranting and raving about Weinstein but refuse to hold Trump accountable.
There is no excuse, reason or rationale that Weinstein can give for his actions and I have no issue with people holding him accountable.
But I cannot stomach listening to these same buffoons make excuses for Trump and say that all men talk as he does and or suggest that any woman who accused Trump of anything is politically motivated.
So I let loose a little bit and used my command of the language and fact to hammer them. They deleted my comments and banned me.
They called me names and because they are pathetic they tried to use liberal as a pejorative as if such a thing would bother me.
It is like calling me a Zionist. I am and I am proud of it.
When you have fact on your side it is easy to have a debate.
They don’t have much which is part of why they are trying to find a way to get Jimmy Kimmel now. In one breath they tell you that they don’t care what Hollywood says and in the next they cry about whether James Woods is really blacklisted and try to destroy Jimmy.
Yeah, you don’t care at all.
The Worst Writer…Ever
Some of my new fans followed me home and told me I am the worst writer they have ever read.
I give them some credit for being able to find me because it is not easy to remember to put on a pair of Depends and connect the Velcro tabs on your comfortable shoes.
Mostly I appreciate their trying to get to me by saying I am the worst writer ever because writing is a passion and in theory criticizing my work is a way to try and hurt me.
But the thing is, unlike our president my skin is very thick and there is a very short list of people whose words/criticism will bother me.
If you are on that list it will suck hearing you criticize me but fortunately it is a pretty short list.
So when push comes to shove I am unlikely to care if someone from cyberspace says bad things about me.
They don’t know me and I don’t know them. Why would I get angry about what they say.
For all I know they’re some crazy person who skins cats and eats them for dinner. Am I really going to worry about the comments of the cat serial killer.
Probably not any more than I worry about the people who threaten to unfriend me because I am disrespectful and mean to the president.
They can criticize me when Trump doesn’t attack anyone who disagrees with him or go after a free press.
That guy is coming real close to a line that he cannot be allowed to cross.
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/918267396493922304
You don’t have to like the news but you cannot go after it strictly because you don’t agree.
Unless you want to be known as Liddle Putin.
Honestly, it blows me away that more people haven’t jumped ship and stopped supporting the Commander-In-Tweet of the Corrupt and Dishonest.
Final Words
I didn’t Twerk in public nor did I skip but I might have sashayed a bit.
And I might have made the aformentioned 13 year-0ld cover her eyes by doing a very bad impression of MC Hammer in U Can’t Touch This followed by doing my best David Cassidy impression.
Trust me when I say your daughter loves this.
I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you isn’t that what life is made of
Though it worries me to say
I never felt this way
See you. It was real and it was fun, but as to whether it was real fun… 🙂
You’re a funny dude.
The conversation between you and your daughter is great stuff. Your ability to entertain and annoy her is great stuff.
Thank you, it is pretty easy with a 13-year-old. 😉