They told me at different moments how awful I am and expressed their displeasure with my response that a father who never gets yelled at by his children isn’t a real father.
I didn’t tell them it is far too simplistic a response to satisfy me or that there are a dozen ways I can pick it apart.
Nor do they know I have spent a lifetime picking apart arguments to demonstrate their logical failings and paint my side as being the better one to be upon.
Sometimes people agreed with me and sometimes they disagreed and it rarely had much to do with whether the facts were upon my side or theirs.
During the most recent moment I said there are better storytellers than I.
They are smarter, more entertaining and do a better job of educating than I do.
“All I really want is the chance to sit down and have a real conversation. Face-to-face and devoid of fear, duplicity and subterfuge.”
The words hung in the air and I thought about the conversations we want to have and thought about how rare they are.
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Got the fancy noise cancellation headphones on my ears and Kansas singing about that wayward son.
I have always liked the song but I don’t think the lyrics ever caught my attention like they did tonight.
Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreamin’, I can hear them say
It gives me some thoughts and ideas about some of the conversations I’d like to have.
There are things I want to say to highlight a few things that are going on but the likelihood of such moments are limited.
That is because there are rigid limitations upon who we are willing to have such conversations with and conflicting opinions and ideas about whether such conversations will illuminate and illustrate in the way we hope they will.
Because sometimes minds are open, ready and willing to hear, digest and process and sometimes they simply aren’t.
The Future Is Undefined
A Midwestern girl and I once spent a thousand lifetimes trying to determine what the future held and whether we could count upon the past to define the road we debated traveling upon.
The majority of those moments were spent in sync in thoughts and idea about it until they weren’t and that led to a dissolution of the partnership.
Looking back now it is clear to me that I spent too much energy trying to use the past as a pseudo Geometric proof I could use to determine the validity and truth of the path I saw ahead.
My inability to do so in a way that made me comfortable held me back and led to a variety of challenges and issues that probably would always have been there but seemed much larger.
In short I used a flawed equation to come to a conclusion I shouldn’t have and so did she or so I suspect.
Can’t really say because we never did have one of those conversations so I was left with an idea of why but no confirmation of whether it was accurate.
The funny thing about it is decades later I look back and know there is no way to make the kind of predictions I wanted with the sort of accuracy I felt I required at that time.
Call it the joy of life experience and a willingness to not only say I was wrong but to look at the future with confidence that you can approach it without the need for iron clad guarantees that you can’t get from anyone or anything.
Take out the 30 year mortgage because it makes your payments easier but don’t plan to spend 30 years in one place living one way with 0ne person because it is unlikely to happen.
Be flexible and willing to bend, pivot and adapt.
Rocky As A Teaching Moment
That teenage boy who calls me dad has an appointment with me to watch Rocky III.
We have watched it together before but it has been a long while and I think it is time to bring it back out.
Time to point out the importance and need for us to be open to doing things a different way and to see sometimes that opens up new possibilities that lead to opportunities.
And on a side note I’ll try not to mutter about how awful Rocky’s form is in the water. I was on the swim team in high school and kept it up for a while in college.
I am looking for a Masters swimming program here in Texas to join. I was never in better shape and need something that doesn’t provide the same pounding as playing basketball.
That is a hard truth of my own, I can still play ball but I just can’t play like I used to. Can’t go four or five days a week, three is about right but even that is getting harder.
So it is time to start looking for options.