I know what I heard and I know what I saw which is my way of saying I have ample reason to be in that place between fury and ambivalence.
Having spent the past decade or so learning how very different life can be than you expect I know it is a mixed bag.
Not all of it is bad, in fact much of it isn’t just good, but amazing.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t get punched the in mouth more than once and if you are really lucky, kicked while you are down.
Given that I was the kid who sometimes banged his head against the ground when he was angry that extra kick generally didn’t encourage me to say down.
If anything it made me more determined to go harder.
Three Steps Forward & Two Steps Back
Turned on iTunes and decided to list to a Springsteen album and figured Tunnel of Love made sense.
Been one of my favorites and a trusted companion on the journey we all take and that story it tells feels oddly appropriate.
Four tracks in the words are flowing from finger to screen but the images I see in my head aren’t all transcribed from mind to screen.
It is intentional because that spot between fury and ambivalence is tempered by experience and the understanding that I might not want to unload upon everyone who reads these words.
Why?
Because some won’t have a fucking clue what I am talking about and misunderstand my intent and others will think they know and again misunderstand my words.
I haven’t the patience to explain or deal with the consequences of such misunderstanding, not today, not now.
Been going through a period of three steps forward and two steps back. A time when I have seen some great success muted by some failures and challenges not created by me.
Didn’t matter that I wasn’t the author or creator of such things because I still had to tend to them and I have done what I could.
Held out my hand, encouraged, yelled and banged my head upon occasion with the belief that things would work out.
Why?
Because they generally do and I have been doing all I can to help facilitate them, but always understanding some stuff is beyond my control.
I Didn’t Hear The Sirens
It is my second Spring in Texas so I can’t say I was completely unprepared for severe weather or that I was shocked to hear about tornado warnings.
I am told that last night the sirens went off but I didn’t hear them. Doesn’t mean I managed to sleep through the night because the storm woke me up a couple of times.
The first time I lay on my back and listened for the freight train sound I am told tornadoes make.
For a moment I wondered what would happen if it hit my complex and laughed.
I am on the third floor and there is no shelter but I figured this California boy could ride his mattress like a surfboard and somehow make it to Oz or some other safe place.
And if I didn’t, well I had this morbid thought that it might be a while before my body was discovered.
For the time being I live by myself and there aren’t many people who are likely to come looking for me, at least not any time soon.
If the end came, well I hoped there would be proof I didn’t go down easily. Dorothy killed the witch with one farm house, let my family and friends be able to say it took two office buildings, a shopping mall, three semis and a couple of tractors to take me out.
****
Eventually I got out of bed and took a look around and when I realized I couldn’t find a lighthouse I started laughing.
Must have been dreaming about it or something like it.
The wind was loud and though I knew it was ridiculous I opened the window and told the storm if it assumed the shape of a man I would gladly fight it.
“Winner takes all, I may not be young any more, but I’ll give you all you can handle.”
“Come on, I’ll slap you so hard your grandchildren will be born with my hand print on their face.”
Male bravado did nothing and the wind ignored me so I closed the window and lay back down.
“I am too tired for this shit. Fuck you storm, I am going back to sleep.”
The Promise
Took a five minute or so break to think about what direction I wanted to take this and moved from Tunnel of Love to Springsteen singing The Promise.
The promise is broken, you go on living
It steals something from down in your soul
When the truth is spoken, it don’t make no difference
Something in your heart goes cold
The man can write and he knows how to tell a story.
I have been in the place he is talking about and I know it better than I like. Been on the beaches and road Don Henley sings about in Boys Of Summer but those places have only been stops on the road.
Places I hung my hat for as long as I needed to and then I moved on because wanderlust and this song only I can hear drive me forward.
Find Your Truth
I used to roll my eyes when people talked about finding their truth because sounded like New Age bullshit to me.
But I don’t do that any more, roll my eyes that is, at least not about that.
Today I understand it as finding that thing or things that center you and make life work. That code, mantra or thing that helps you push forward and through the crap.
It is what keeps you going when you take three steps forward and two steps back.
Not everyone will understand, believe or accept it and that is cool. Not everyone gets to go on the journey with you, some walk part of the way because they choose to move and others move because you choose to move them on.
Wave goodbye if you wish and keep on walking, it is just how it goes.
I didn’t hear the sirens, but I heard what I needed to hear.
