Someone once said they were worried about my temper and I said they ought to worry about the day when I no longer would get angry with them.
They asked me why and I said it means I have decided you aren’t worth my time anymore and I won’t fight.
I won’t talk and I won’t explain because I will be done.
They told me it was hard to believe I could ever reach such a point and I said it had happened before and chances were it would happen again.
“But you are the guy who said heartbreak can’t stop you.”
“It can’t but it doesn’t mean I will choose to jump in a pool of gasoline while holding a match.”
Some Things Can’t Be Explained
I can’t explain why I can accept some things and not others.
Sometimes people say things to me and I shake my head because even though they claim to believe what they are saying I don’t.
Every time they say certain things I hear a buzzer and Richard Dawson’s voice saying “The Hackleshmackle Family gets a chance to steal.”
Can’t tell you why that is or how sometimes that internal voice substitutes a loud gong for Dawson’s voice.
I have learned to pay attention to it because experience has proven it right more often than wrong.
Still it hurts my heart and my head.
And so I find myself digging my heels in because I try to figure out what the hell is really going on knowing some things can’t be explained.
Some of you may think you know what this is about but unless you are a mind reader you probably are well off of the mark.
The point and purpose of this isn’t to confuse you or create chaos but to try and make sense of the chaos at hand.
When you put words on paper you take life’s puzzle and start to find ways to put the pieces down in a fashion that makes more sense.
Define The Problem
You can’t solve a problem without defining what it is and the great challenge I face now is I am playing a game which has no rules.
Or maybe it is more accurate to say there are rules but I don’t know what they are so I just fumble around blindly.
That is one of the great challenges of taking on great challenges, you don’t just quit.
You keep pushing, pulling, twisting, tugging and dancing around until you find a combination of things that seem to propel you forward.
I wrestle with this daily and have yet to figure out how much progress is being made.
There are moments when I am certain of forward motion and then things happen that make me wonder.
I suppose it is a big part the frustration and anger I feel.
There are moments where I feel like I have been pushed off of a ship in the middle of the ocean and told to swim with an anchor tied to my legs.
I swim not because I fear drowning but because they challenged me and I am determined to show them.
And the beauty of the determination combined with writing is that every time you think you reached the end your words help you see things in a different light.
