The Best Part Of A Colonoscopy

I don’t know anyone who says they enjoyed a colonoscopy but it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round so who knows.

Maybe someone thinks having 17 feet of hose attached to a camera that is 4 feet long and eight feet wide is a pleasant experience.

Lest I scare the readers allow me to assure you I am engaging in a bit of hyperbole, it is not really 17 feet of hose and the camera isn’t really 4 feet long.

Don’t worry, they’ll give you good drugs so you won’t remember a thing, unless you get to enjoy its little brother the sigmoidoscopy.

I got one of those when I was 23 and I still remember telling the nurse that I normally didn’t go that far on a first date.

Sig Meet Moid Meet Oscopy

I am sure I wasn’t the first person to come up with such a line but since I wasn’t drugged and was intimately aware of what was being shoved up me I had fun trying to distract myself by making silly remarks.

“Sig, meet moid. Moid, meet oscopy. Now that introductions are out of the way I’d kindly ask you to get out of my ass. Really, you are invited to leave the premises as soon as possible.”

The nurse took that to mean I was in significant pain and asked me if she could adjust the hose and reminded me if I felt the need to defecate to just let go.”

Warning, this might veer into TMI.

“Nurse, you are the first woman I have ever met who encouraged me to shit on her hands. If you weren’t 89 and I wasn’t too young to get married I’d ask you out.”

She let loose a nervous chuckle and I kept going.

“Except the thing is, I am not quite that freaky. You ask me to try out different positions or to dress up like the quarterback of the Browns and pretend we won a championship and I might do that. But this other thing, well ma’am my parents would never forgive such bad behavior.

The Best Part Of A Colonoscopy

Sometimes I like to work the old colonoscopy into my remarks, generally as a way to describe a situation I might have encountered or be in the midst of.

That is because it is colorful and I like colorful descriptions like “I feel like I am drinking water through a firehose” or “I feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.”

To be clear I know there is a time and place for everything and that sometimes the simple and direct explanation is best, as in “I am really busy.”

But that doesn’t negate my pleasure in using these expressions or that sometimes they explode out of me because it is part of how I vent.

Speaking of venting I had an encounter with someone who might not be dumber than a box of rocks but certainly had less compassion than your average boulder.

The folks in legal say I can’t tell you the whole story so you’ll just have to go with the fragments I share online which is kind of what we do with quite a few things.

Anyway, let’s just say that I think they noticed that there might have been a smile on my face but that my eyes were flat.

At least I want to believe they noticed the lack of joy in them and that is why the big attitude and unwillingness to help changed a bit, but I am not sure.

Sometimes my children ask me how I know something about almost anything they ask me about.

I always tell them that I have a wide breadth of knowledge about many things but that sometimes the depth is minimal.

I like to read, I like learning and I just absorb a ton of information about lots of different things. They aren’t always things that are particularly useful, just little nuggets that caught my interest.

Anyway, we had a very brief conversation about the referendum and England’s vote to withdraw from the EU.

I told them my British friends weren’t very happy with it and that from an outsiders perspective it doesn’t look like it was smart but remind them if I had be eligible to vote about it I would have made sure I was educated.

And you would not find me saying things like “I didn’t think my vote would count.”

That is nonsense and unacceptable to me.

I have made a point to teach my children to take their responsibilities seriously and to understand that sometimes stupid things happen because other people don’t and won’t.

Sometimes you smile at someone because you need their help but your eyes go flat because their incompetence and refusal to do what they were supposed to creates chaos.

They know I have no interest in hearing that something didn’t happen because it was someone elses job.

That is part of why I have a love/hate affair with school assignments that are group projects.

It is good for them to learn how to work as part of a team and see how some teams work really well together and others…don’t.

That is the shot from the picture at the top of  this post.

I am including it here because otherwise I don’t think you’d be able to see the whole thing and I think it is pretty cool.

Some people have told me about the lighthouse tours they have taken and I have always thought it would be kind of fun.

Add it to the list of trips alongside trains, visits to Scandinavia, India and a whole bunch of other places I haven’t been to yet.

Hell, there is just never enough time to do and see it all, but it doesn’t mean you can’t try.

Big changes coming soon. Just you wait, watch and see.