You Didn’t Unfriend Me, I Let You Go

There is a black and white photo of four generations of Wilner men sitting as the profile photo on a genealogy site but it’s not one I manage.

It belongs to a British cousin of mine who I haven’t met or talked to…yet.

I know the picture well because it is of me, my father, grandfather and great-grandfather. My best guess is he grabbed it when he was doing research upon his branch of the family.

I am not bothered by it, because anything you post online can be captured and used elsewhere.

My Zaide, my great grandfather Ben died when I was six so I have a bunch of memories of him but have no frame of reference for stories he would have shared about his younger brother, Berel, the Rabbi, who would have been the great-great grandfather of the site manager.

I sent a note introducing myself to the young Mr. Davis, the site manager who appears to be the same generation as my own children but haven’t heard back from him yet.

As the patriarch of my branch of Wilner men I have spent time since my own father’s death compiling more family stories & trying to remember more about what I heard as a kid.

I grew up hearing my Great Uncle was Berel but most of what I have heard/found out about him lists him as Bernard Leonard Wilner. He died not long after my Zaide having moved from London to Israel but though I would have been old enough to have known him we never did meet in person.

It’s the interesting part of being GenX, as the bridge between the analog and digital world it’s easy to understand how it happened. But there is a part of me that thinks had they lived just a bit longer technology would have made the world smaller.

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Given the skyrocketing amount of antisemitism we have seen during the last 18 months I have wondered if I have learned more about the world my great-grandfather knew than I wanted to.

I was confronted at the gym by a guy who saw a Magen David on me. We exchanged a few words and I told him if he didn’t want a problem he couldn’t handle to tread carefully.

Reminded me of other stories I knew and for a moment I wondered how he felt so entitled to yap at me like a little dog. Reminded me of my conversations with my dad and grandpa when we used to watch the fights at Earl’s house.

You Didn’t Unfriend Me, I Let You Go

Been a hell of a year, one of some pretty big changes that I am sure will stay with me for the rest of my days.

Stood at a machine at the gym starting at the 45s I was putting on it wondering how many years it really has been since I could move that kind of iron around.

Thought about the liver biopsy and so many other changes and then pumped out the three sets I always do. Pushed myself to hit it hard because I have a long list of things I want to do and because I saw what happen to my father when he didn’t take his health seriously.

Thought about some of the people who should have and would have been in the loop on some of these things and shrugged. “You didn’t unfriend me, I let you go.”

Suppose you could argue which came first but ultimately it doesn’t matter because I stopped trying to hold hands with people who refused to hold mine back.

Had nothing to do with that Mel Robbins lady and her “let them” philosophy, this was me saying I have had enough.

I grieved, I mourned and I let go.

It was enough and even if I have a grip like a gorilla there comes a time when you move on and let others do their thing.

You never know if life will see fit to have your paths cross again or if you will have a memory or two that you can look back upon if you so choose.

Still I look at some of these moments and wonder what would have transpired if real conversations had taken place because from my perspective they didn’t.

Almost Middle Age Now

For the past decade I have been saying I am almost middle aged and have laughed when people tried to correct me.

“Josh, you’re 50 something do you really think you’re going to live past 100. You hit middle age 16 years ago.”

Sometimes I share the stories of the grandparents and great-grandparents who lived into their nineties. Sometimes I tell them how medicine so much better and that is enough to be confident it will happen.

But after all that has happened during this past year I think about the small changes I have made that have had a huge positive impact upon my health.

I think about the change in blood work, clothing, how I feel and yes once again, the iron I am throwing around in the gym.

Because I really am throwing some of it with the kind of ease I did when I was younger. It is not just the collagen or the creatine I am taking now either.

It is the diet, the extra sleep, the attitude, drive and the belief.

Like Herzl said, “if you will it, it is not a dream.”

Past posts found here.