One of my most vivid memories of being a kid is watching the calendar in school in late May head towards June.
That meant summer was within spitting distance and soon I’d be heading to the beach with friends, going to movies and enjoying endless days.
I loved the feel of the sun upon my back and if I wasn’t at the beach I could spend all day at a pool.
It was a great feeling and I reveled in the moments and the days that followed. The 4th was always a good time and signaled that summer was in full swing.
Summer is still my favorite time of year but sometimes it is hard to get excited about some things.
Such as standing outside in the 109 degree heat while I waited for a new tire to be put on the car and wondered why my email was blowing up at 5 PM.
Took less than five minutes for 37 emails to drop into my inbox and another three for me to determine what caused the blitz in the box.
Add another 11 minutes of me responding to the key messages and three more to run it back through my head and you have a snapshot of a man who felt like the poster child for productivity.
Man, I got things done and then that onslaught of productivity was met with a hard reality.
It was time to wait. Time to sit and do nothing because I had done everything I could do.
Sometimes that is particularly easy because your confidence in your abilities and your actions is high not because of ego but experience.
Because you have been down a particular path enough times to know what works and what doesn’t.
But sometimes it is hard to click the off button and wait for news. Sometimes you hate sitting in the dark wondering what the hell is going on even when you are pretty damn sure you know.
For a moment I was really on fire with frustration because I wanted to do more. I wanted to take action and help move things along.
I wanted to just help and I couldn’t do anything more than I done.
So I stood outside and let the sweat pour down my face and into my eyes wondering if the sting and blurry vision would help pull away whatever was blinding me.
It was goofy and unconventional but I don’t always walk in a straight line because sometimes it is faster and smarter to move like a crab.
Sometimes taking a different path is what brings you to where you need to be and that helped with some of this.
Because I realized part of what was irking me was the realization that we are approaching the final stretch before dad went into the hospice.
Because I spent a chunk of that time trying to figure out if there was anything more I could do and repeatedly coming up with blanks.
Takes some extra strength to sit back, watch and wait in some situations where your nature pushes you to race into the burning building and try to put the damn fire out.
When the best you can do is dance in the fire and burn it is not always easy to just sit there even if you can take it.
Experiences can mold and influence you as well as change you.
That is how I know I am not the same man I was. In some ways I am more myself than I have ever been and in others I am not that guy anymore.
It is why some people tell me they are surprised by some things. I am not sure why they are because we all change over time so they shouldn’t expect me to be exactly the same as I once was.
I don’t expect it of others.
The question isn’t are we changing or growing but who changes and grows with us. That is not a bad thing, it is a natural part of life.
Part of me is on fire at the thought that I have had to replace six tires in less than a year. It is nuts and not something I have ever encountered before.
Five decades of driving and I have never seen such a thing.
Instead of making myself crazy with it I am choosing to just shrug my shoulders and say it has been a crazy few years..
A time in which I have seen things I never expected to see or have to deal with but along with it I have seen some pretty damn good things.
Seen some people pick themselves up and start running towards a future they deserve but couldn’t have imagined.
That is pretty darn cool and as irritating as it is to have to replace six tires I am grateful to have been able to do it.
There was a time within memory when it would have been beyond a struggle. Hard work, determination and perseverance pay off some times.