Dad showed up in my dream last night. He stood on the other side of a wall and smiled at me.
I smiled back and then I waved at him to move back and attacked the wall with a sledgehammer.
He shook his head at me and I recognized the look that said I was wasting my time but I went after it anyway.
“You may be hanging with Hades but you know better than most that if I think I storm the gates and fight my way through I’ll do it.
Hell, I’ll probably start by trying to sneak in because let’s face it, I am 50 and it takes a little longer to recover from the nick, scrape and bruises.”
Dad shrugged his shoulders and watched me swing the sledge.
“Let’s hope the double hernia I had repaired holds up.”
It was supposed to irritate him and make him come forward. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get him to come closer because life is about working smarter, not harder.
Places I Remember
I didn’t realize how much venting I did on Facebook regarding Dad or think about it might set me off kilter a half step, but I did and it has.
The memories show up reminding me of the whirlwind that was and I don’t avoid that kind of stuff, I go running towards it.
Better t0 embrace the chaos, dance in the fire and pour gasoline over my head. It is how I operate and manage the crap that comes at me.
One or two people asked if I thought that was wise and I told them “you do you and I’ll do me.”
I am angry and I am sad.
It will all eventually pass.
It is exacerbated by other things whose mention will be limited to my insistence on not needing help in finding or getting into trouble.
If I must get into trouble than I want to have a choice and I want to say that enjoyed the moment(s) that led to whatever consequence big or small I might be facing.
But given a choice I would select boring. I would gladly lay down the sword and shield for a while and be a simple farmer.
- Brothers In Arms– Dire Straits
- Coming Home– Skylar Grey
- Extreme Ways– Moby
- Fortunate Son– Sons of Anarchy Soundtrack
- Forever Young – Bob Dylan
Won’t be long before I walk out of the plane at LAX and visit the city of my birth.
It is the second planned trip since Dad disappeared into the cornfields and most of it will be spent with family obligations.
Intermixed and in between I’ll hit the beach and let the Pacific bathe me in it is healing waters again. I’ll sit and listen to the surf and look around.
There will be at least one trip to the old neighborhood to see our house and to shake my head at whatever the new owners have done to it.
A visit or two to favorite restaurants to soak up the homeland and to enjoy the foods that my current home doesn’t do well.
Somewhere in the mix there may be a cup of coffee or a beer with some friends and of course the trip to see dad.
Been listening to the kids talk about grandpa a bit and have smiled at their tales, stories and recollections.
Sometimes they say something and expect me to nod my head and I smile and tell them they knew grandpa, but I knew dad.
It is not that their memories are wrong, they are just different. I like to remind them and my sisters that I was the crash test dummy.
You don’t hear stories about them being dropped during diaper changes or what have you.
That is because they learned from me what to look for and how to be ready for some of the crazy stuff kids do. 😉
Anyhoo, I am looking forward to getting some of this stuff over with so that I can focus on making new memories in LA.
I have thousands of happy ones, but the weight of the recent past casts a heavy shadow so it is time to start focusing on the next set.
Time to get more happy stuff and to adjust to the new normal.
Unless I figure out how to tear down that wall.
You didn’t think I just forgot about it, now did you.
The impossible becomes possible if you learn how to tear off the “IM.” Maybe I’ll figure it out or maybe I won’t.
There is merit and value in problem solving.
You don’t always have to solve the problem that brought you to the table to feel like your time wasn’t wasted.
That sort of exercise can take you to all sorts of interesting spaces and places, some of which have true value.