One Day You Won’t Find Me

The phone rings but I don’t bother to check caller ID because I like living dangerously.

Turns out it is one of the boys and neither of us can remember the last time we spoke so we take a moment to catch up and laugh because we cover our health too.

“Are we really this old Josh?”

“Unless we are already dead I am pretty sure we are still alive.”

He tells me I screwed up the Gladiator quote and I say I am not calling him general or mentioning Elysium.

We laugh again and he tells me about his on again off again girlfriend.

“Brother, we are in our fifties and nothing has changed. They are still a giant pain.”

“That is probably what she says about you.”

He laughs and says I am correct and tells me a little bit more.

“What would you do in my situation?”

I would probably let her know that one day she won’t find me waiting around unless I have a good reason to do so.

“Really?”

“I am in a very funny place right now and ready to cut ties with everyone and everything. If you ask me to carry the anchor you better make me confident there is a reason or I am done. Don’t know if this is who I am now or just the period so keep that in mind.”

The Broken Toilet Seat

A few hours ago there was a broken toilet seat in the house. If I said it broke while in use that would be accurate and so would saying I damn near flew off of it.

I don’t know how many people have enjoyed taking care of business during a good earthquake but I have and can tell you it is never much fun.

Because by the time you realize what is going on it is about over and you wonder if more is coming and how fast you can finish up.

No one wants to be found dead on the toilet, it is not a cool way to die.

Not that there are particularly cool ways to die, but rescuing people from a burning building, saving an old lady from a rabid dog or jumping on a hand grenade to save lives are noble.

Your family and friends will be sad you are gone but gain some comfort knowing you did something important.

Getting crushed while polluting the bathroom isn’t likely to generate that same feeling and people really won’t want to share that story.

Anyhoo…

Don’t ask me if I was bumping and grinding or moving around because I don’t really know. I wasn’t paying that much attention.

What I know is the whole seat moved and I might have whiplash. Not going to to the doc for that one, I’ll manage the pain.

The good news is I fixed the damn seat.

Went to a Home Depot near Downtown Dallas and answered questions about the Bemis and Glacier Bay seats. Wasn’t expecting to do that but something told me this lady needed to know if she had a round or elongated toilet.

You ought to see the look you get when you insert yourself and ask “round or elongated?”

It didn’t occur to me that it would sound peculiar or suggestive but her reaction made it clear that was her initial response.

Fortunately she looked at the signage and saw the same words and knew instantly why I had said what I said.

That’s Me

Ok, that is not really me in the picture but I feel like it ought to be. I am running away from a volcano that is about to erupt and I can’t decide if I love the adrenaline rush or hate it.

Most of the time I am the guy who can always fall asleep. I tell my troubles to take a walk, fuck off or to give it a rest because office hours are over.

But the last week or so there have been multiple times where sleep hasn’t worked as it should. I roll around the bed and think it ought to be easy.

It is only me, there is no dog trying to stretch out, no snoring or complaints about it being too hot/too cold or too whatever.

Can’t count sheep because they are afraid to be close to me as are goats, whales, birds, dogs, assorted people and gorillas.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and plant my feet.

Sometimes I go through the list of all of the things to be grateful for and sometimes I think about my old bedroom and try to see how far back I can go.

I think I made it to around 5-7 or so. I need to see pictures to see if they match memories.

****

Back at the gym one of the new kids asks if I can identify the songs on their mix.

I tell him if it is not the modern crap I feel pretty confident. We hit this one, this one and this one but not in that order.

That is because I am pushing to get through the damn workout.I am happy to be there, but irritated and my focus is more limited.

Kid asks me if I have any recommendations so I share several different songs I like working out to and finish with a couple of Zeppelin songs.

I make one last push and go really hard for two minutes on the elliptical. Two minutes of all I have and then I am spent.

Lying on the couch in the dark I think one day you won’t find me, but it might be because I am too damn tired to move.

There are worse reasons for disappearing, but kind of like that one.

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